Wife wants a divorce. An awakening in myself

[sandi2]

I am sorry you are experiencing this emotional pain in your marriage. You will find great support here on the DB board. I hope you will post often, and it will help to bring replies from others. The more history about the relationship you give us, the better we can see the overall picture.

Have either of you been in a long term relationship before this marriage? How long were you together before marrying her?

My advice for what you need to implement immediately is as follows:

1. Do nothing that adds emotional pressure to her. That includes any type of pursuit. Such as, asking her questions about her personal activities, asking for an account of her whereabouts, asking questions about her feelings toward you and/or the MR. It includes no type of smothering from your physical presence, texting, frequent calls, etc. No controlling acts from you such as imposing your expectations on her, making plans to have her with you, pressing for a commitment to/for anything, pressing for an answer from her. It includes no announcement of you making plans to include her for some activity.....such as expecting her for the dinner meal you've prepared, sharing the weekend together, showing your irratations or getting upset when she is on her phone instead of paying attention to you, her coming home very late without notifying you, etc. Do not try to guilt her into doing what you want her to do. That is a tool for controlling her. Do not talk about the relationship.

2. Step back and give her space from you being in her life. The above examples will assist in giving space, and also you going out and getting a life that is not attached to her will do wonders for your emotional state. I am not a advocate for seeing other women or engaging in activites that could potentially harm a possible reconciliation. Do the things you enjoy (hobbies, sports, old friends, etc.). Getting a life (GAL) is extremely important for the one who wants to save the marriage.

3. Don't discuss. Currently, this is not the time to discuss the M with her. Realize you will learn how to communicate through your actions, instead of words. Talking with her about the relationship will not help, no matter how much you feel it can. Keep your mouth closed and do not use words to relay your message and/or points to her. Currently, she will not respect what you say with words. Do not beg, make promises, or give threats. Do not use phrases you get from the board, unless someone is telling you how to state a particular sentence (i.e. boundaries). Some people try to relate the information they are learning to their spouse. The spouse immediately senses that you are merly stating something you've read.....and basically, they shrug it off as silliness. Therefore, resist the temptation to verbally "teach" them what you are learning. She is not the one here. It is not your job to teach her DBing. Any message you wish to give her needs to be through actions, not talk.