Hello everyone, So my wife and I had our ups and downs. We would fight, I'd get mad we both get silent then I'd sleep in the other room to be away from her. We have been married four years, and we just had a fight before our anniversary, so I held a little resentment. Her cat died and she was very attached to it, so when it died I felt bad for her and decided to surprise her with a kitten. To my suprise she didn't want it, cut me off, and didn't talk to me. Three days later, her friend and baby are staying at our house and I didn't know anything about it. So I told my wife that we are not on good terms and I don't think her friend should be staying with us. Of course my wife fought me on it, and like the jealous man I was I told her I'd call the cops to have her friend escorted out because she is fighting me on this. That was a arrogant response on my part and really controlling as I have come to realize. I did call her friend later and apologized to her and basically said I'm sorry, I just don't know what's going on with my wife and it's really hard for me.
So the fights were bad. Real bad. So after the latest fight she intentionally missed our anniversary, was really silent with me, told me she had nothing to say and I pretty much brushed it off. She had been off and on staying at a friends house, without telling me and it made me upset. I asked we have a talk.
So we had a talk on the living room couch, and basically she just poured her heart out to me, cried, I cried and then she dropped the bomb. She said she wanted a divorce. I was shocked but I knew what she was going through and just thought it was emotional response. So I listened to her on why she did, agreed with her, tried to make a point for me and just basically disagreed with her. I told her I can change and blah blah, she heard it. But this time I assured her I needed to for myself.
So I went to bed, and she remained on the couch. She eventually came to bed with me layed with me and rubbed my back and cuddled with me. I was happy then. Things, I thought were ugoing smooth. I went to work, asked how her day was, cooked and cleaned, did all the chores for the house and just tried to change and be nice. I bought marriage books, sought a counselor, and basically went to the doctor to stop smoking. Things were turning around I thought.
So the Thursday before Christmas she says she can't do it anymore, she has checked out she doesn't love me etc, she wants a divorce. I this time tried to reason, begged, told her I loved her and just be clingy. I told her I was changing and I was trying to change. She she noticed but she can't be sure we'd go back to the same a few weeks later. I asked her to look deep in her heart and I left for the grocery store. I made dinner and gave it to her and it seemed like we were getting along. She called me the day before Christmas Eve asking me to get tickets for the nutcracker play. I told her yes, and I only wanted to spend time with her. Things were going good. She loved her Christmas and she told me that.
The night of New Year's Eve she came to me, said she knows I've been trying hard to make amends, but she wants a divorce. I was desperate now. I cried, begged told her I want to be with her, said I'd never do those things again to hurt her and etc. she didn't care and left. She celebrated New Years with friends while I was miserable at home. She sent me a text the next morning and said she was ok and she was fine. I told I was glad. She went to bed, I continued to do chores and then I sat in the office, I decided to go and sleep on the bed with her and hug her.
So after this she was nice and responsive and talked to me about her day, asked to watch a movie in bed, and get me snacks. I was happy but guarded as she has been nice and then flips the switch. So her car breaks down and I give her mine and tell her to drive it because I don't want her stranded. She takes my car while I carpool to work. I'm just trying to be nice to her.
Then today she says she doesn't want to be married anymore and I say I agree with you, it was toxic and I want to be with you. I want to make it work. I want to be there for her. She said the love will never be the same and she feels like she has to force it. I tell her I love you and she just says thanks.
I feel horrible and depressed like I'm about to lose someone to death. No kids just a lot of assets. This [censored]. What do you guys think
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
If she says she wants a D, then most likely she's been thinking about this for a long, long time. It is just news to you. Your world has been turned upside down and hers is the same Good news is you express a lot of awareness of your issues and remorse and that your W still feels enough of a connection to talk to you, do things with you and be physical with you. Bad news is it sounds like she is and has been checked out for quite a while. This is not an easy nor a short road. Read the homework and the books. Start setting goals and get support for yourself IRL and on this board. You are not alone. First step is to give her space and stop begging and chasing.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Good news is you express a lot of awareness of your issues and remorse and that your W still feels enough of a connection to talk to you, do things with you and be physical with you. Bad news is it sounds like she is and has been checked out for quite a while. This is not an easy nor a short road.
I have the utmost remorse feeling right now. I have a lot of compassion for her and sympathy. She told me she checked out like maybe in September or October. She expressed a lot of feelings to me and I wanted to make my point, but I bit my tongue and listened to her. She said that she doesn't want to be married anymore. All I said was " I'm sorry you feel that way". She complained to me that I don't help her in the big ways, by not getting her car fixed or helping out with the properties. I didn't say anything but tried to act. I had her car fixed today, I still cleaned up after my self and cleaned the house.
My W means a lot to me and I took her for granted. So when she called me yesterday to how things were going I told her that her car was fixed. She told me she really appreciates that. She got off the phone and then texted me which breaks down into:
W: I really appreciate you fixing my car Me: you're welcome. I'd do anything for you W: divorce Me: I don't know how to answer that W: you told me you'd do anything. It breaks my heart Me: I just want you happy even if it's without me. I feel like you have cohereced into it by outside influences W: I'm just exhausted.
She proceeded to go on about the problems and everything else wrong. I showed empathy and agreed with her and just responded with I'm sorry and you're right.
So I went out and went to hang out with friends. I was going to sleep at work so we drank some beer and talked. My W then calls me. She asks me where I was. I said hanging out with friends. She tells me she's sad. I ask why? Told me she's torn about I never loved her, my family never came around, and she felt she was never good enough. I told her she always was, and I felt I was never good enough. She replied with you were and that's why I worked so hard too I was exhausted. We stopped talking after that for the night.
This morning at work she sends me a text telling me to have a good day at work. I replied with you too and enjoy your ballet class. I'm so confused sad and disappointed. I can't change her, only myself. Im trying to do the right thing, by letting her go, but my heart can't
Have you read sandi's rules? It's time to follow them. Stop having R talks, you're only pushing her away.
I'd also read the validation cheat sheet. This reads of a lot of saying you are listening and understanding, but not validating her feelings. She says "you never loved me" and your response is "yes I did"....that's INvalidating.
Have you read sandi's rules? It's time to follow them. Stop having R talks, you're only pushing her away.
I'd also read the validation cheat sheet. This reads of a lot of saying you are listening and understanding, but not validating her feelings. She says "you never loved me" and your response is "yes I did"....that's INvalidating.
When I'm invalidating her feelings about love when I say I love her, what would I say? " I'm sorry you feel that way, can you help me to understand more?"
I don't bring up R talks. She does. I try to avoid it. I know it just makes her upset and I don't want that.
I am sorry you are experiencing this emotional pain in your marriage. You will find great support here on the DB board. I hope you will post often, and it will help to bring replies from others. The more history about the relationship you give us, the better we can see the overall picture.
Have either of you been in a long term relationship before this marriage? How long were you together before marrying her?
My advice for what you need to implement immediately is as follows:
1. Do nothing that adds emotional pressure to her. That includes any type of pursuit. Such as, asking her questions about her personal activities, asking for an account of her whereabouts, asking questions about her feelings toward you and/or the MR. It includes no type of smothering from your physical presence, texting, frequent calls, etc. No controlling acts from you such as imposing your expectations on her, making plans to have her with you, pressing for a commitment to/for anything, pressing for an answer from her. It includes no announcement of you making plans to include her for some activity.....such as expecting her for the dinner meal you've prepared, sharing the weekend together, showing your irratations or getting upset when she is on her phone instead of paying attention to you, her coming home very late without notifying you, etc. Do not try to guilt her into doing what you want her to do. That is a tool for controlling her. Do not talk about the relationship.
2. Step back and give her space from you being in her life. The above examples will assist in giving space, and also you going out and getting a life that is not attached to her will do wonders for your emotional state. I am not a advocate for seeing other women or engaging in activites that could potentially harm a possible reconciliation. Do the things you enjoy (hobbies, sports, old friends, etc.). Getting a life (GAL) is extremely important for the one who wants to save the marriage.
3. Don't discuss. Currently, this is not the time to discuss the M with her. Realize you will learn how to communicate through your actions, instead of words. Talking with her about the relationship will not help, no matter how much you feel it can. Keep your mouth closed and do not use words to relay your message and/or points to her. Currently, she will not respect what you say with words. Do not beg, make promises, or give threats. Do not use phrases you get from the board, unless someone is telling you how to state a particular sentence (i.e. boundaries). Some people try to relate the information they are learning to their spouse. The spouse immediately senses that you are merly stating something you've read.....and basically, they shrug it off as silliness. Therefore, resist the temptation to verbally "teach" them what you are learning. She is not the one here. It is not your job to teach her DBing. Any message you wish to give her needs to be through actions, not talk.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's dam good advice Sandi,that's exactly what I should of done in my situ,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
