Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[ccgrrl]

Thank you, peacetoday and job.

I am someone who has a lot of creative outlets as I am a writer and filmmaker, so I have been getting together with friends and colleagues and starting new projects in my creative world with them. I also have been reconnecting and strengthening bonds with my female friends. They are kind of like a panel in that each one has a different history with men (one had a horrible divorce, another never married but always wanted to, and another is a widow); different levels of connection to my H; and different ways of thinking about marriage. So that is very helpful.

I am also taking the lead with my kids, although my h does still split our child-caring as always. I am just the only one paying close attention to their needs, questions, and feelings. I try really hard not to rely on them to lift me up, but sometimes it is true that if I did not have them to take care of, I would not get out of bed. I don't complain or cry or talk about their father with them. (BTW, kids are 13 & 6).

And finally, part of the reason I was working on the agreement was because I need to make sure our finances are not in jeopardy. He has been very vocal about wanting a separate bank account, which I support. I gave him all the info to open one, but it doesn't really follow through on anything.

The OW in his EA, as I understand it, is not interested in having a romantic relationship with a married man, which is why he is so interested in separating, or even better - divorcing.

These forums have really helped me think about how much I am actually doing to facilitate this change for him. I am untangling the finances. I am coming up with co-parenting schedules. I am the one writing a draft separation agreement. I'm doing these things partly to help him feel my support, but also because I kind of do want him out of the house as his presence makes it difficult for me to concentrate on anything else. This is a time of year that I am ty[pically very productive in my creative work and his mlc has destroyed that for me, so I'm trying hard to get my own space around this.

But at the same time, I wonder if I should not offer up any assistance with the separation agreement, finances, logistics, etc. Isn't it a good thing to avoid major changes/decisions during a MLC? Maybe I should just try harder to work with this in-house separation and just construct my own boundaries around how I interact with him and let him do whatever he's going to do until he actually puts in the work to start the process of physical separation?

Another thing I did do was open my own separate bank account (all our banking was joint, except we have individual credit card accounts. I think in Massachusetts - a common law state - separate credit cards and bank accounts are a good thing in the event he flips out and starts overspending).

RE: MC - I think you might be right. She wants to see us individually the next couple of weeks. I think I will bring that up with her that maybe he is just not ready to have productive therapy as a couple.