Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Surfer]

Matey,

It is interesting in that it talks about reality 1 & reality 2 - but I wonder if in cases where the woman is the abuser, whether actually both live in reality 1 a lot of the time. W

I thought exactly the same. We are both stubborn people and determined. However, there is a difference. You see the problem and therefore will act via not doing it again (hopefully) or at least trying not to and also, most importantly providing a genuine apology (which, most likely is never really fully accepted). On the other hand she does not recognise her poor behaviour (she sees it as normal due to FOO stuff) and therefore why would she apologise - that's just normal isn't it? [No!]. Finally, if she did apologise and really try - would you accept her apology? If the answer is yes, my case is closed, you are not an abuser. You might say things that are abusive to sensitive skin - you do this, think I am etc; this is normal when vexed - but do you really go out to abuse?? Are you always right really?

Food for thought.

Yes, it is sad, do you continue to be abused? If you let her she will continue to. Alternatively you get some boundaries and manage it the best you can. But, as the book says, it rarely gets better with a female abuser (if ever). Sorry you are going through this but you are, so am I, so best face up to it and how to deal with it. Time to man up but in a different way pal - all human thinking, no chimping out (see the chimp paradox - I recommend you read this too).

I am just starting to read a book on boundaries. I will give you some feedback when done.

Final word. Do not fear things. This is a bump in the road in your life. Looking back, it will all be fine, you just need to go through it. Do what helps you focus rather than fear.

Surfer.