I too have done the lotto this week, so who knows, we may both be millionaires by the end of the evening - I am not sure which I am more likely to be lucky with; the lotto or finding ambergris ha ha
I thought about what you said about being lucky. I do consider myself lucky ....lucky that I am not my h, as that would be awful. What a terrible life to be living huh. I know I am lucky and blessed to have all that I do in my life, I found a job again quickly, that was extremely lucky, I have a roof over my head albeit in constant jeopardy and I have food in the cupboards. I am healthy and have dreams that I hopefully one day may achieve. I have the most wonderful friends that show their love ans support no matter what crazy decisions I make and I am humbled to have found so many beautiful souls here on DB. I am indeed one lucky gal.
I would be even luckier and happier if I win the lotto tonight - just a small win would do .....So Andrew my friend, I wish you good fortune with your lucky numbers tonight
Nothing to really tell you from my corner of the world, which in a way is a good thing I suppose.
Christmas and New Year were quiet, I was alone NYE which was fine with me. NYD i felt a bit low, but I think that was a bit of the "my future would have been" blues, all our plans finished, just like the year. But I am ok now, I haven't thought about it since, was just a day of reflection and they will come and go as the process continues.
Work is a mixture of challenging and boring, if you can mix the two. I am not physically active and that makes me antsy and I have put on weight since starting (does not help I found a store that sells UK chocolate), so I need to get that under control and start walking after work. I keep reminding myself that this is a temporary job, and pays the rent and bills until I can decide what I want to do and where I want to be. I have started my 6 day roster now, so every other week I do 6 days, means extra money and more going in to my travel fund.
H - have not heard from him since he left 8 weeks ago, that is fine by me, I know that in this early stage anything he has to say would not be what I want to hear, so its easier this way. The boys have been really good and don't mention their dad to me at all, I don't want to know what he is doing or where he is, anytime I do hear it puts me in a funk for a while, because right now he is portraying the fluffy clouds and rainbows persona to everyone. I know he is still on his sabbatical, so by now must be nearing living on the credit cards and overdraft. Lucky escape peoples, lucky escape ...oh another lucky thing for me
An interesting couple of conversations have come up about him from friends of hs family. One mentioned that they feel that h has been emotionally damaged by his dads behavior towards him when his dad left his mum (basically left his mum and move in with another woman when h was 11, he had more children with her and completely ignored h and his brother, resulting in them losing touch) h rarely talked about it, but what he did tell me was very sad. The other thing was an older gen friend feels that h is having a breakdown or is heading towards one and that h's parents are very worried about him. Its interesting that the first time he left it was "one of those things", but this time, people are now questioning his actions.
I have remained in my solitary retreat from the world, I am sociable at work, but outside of it I stay alone, I read, craft, watch tv or go for a walk. I have found that as I am unable to fill the void with activities and other people, I am forced in to looking at everything in my life, all the things that need tending to but I have avoided by filling my days with other things. Its been really good therapy for me, I am learning to be alone, learning to be ok and content with this. I have been reflecting on lots of different things in my life, including my "rosy" marriage and H, which turns out, actually, its wasn't so rosy and I did not like a lot of the things h did, just lived with it and accepted it.
My parents, now that is a biggy to let go of, but I realise, that I as a child, their child, I did not know their history really, the nitty gritty of their upbringing, the things that happened to them as children and adults. I talked to my godmother who knew them both and she told me as much as she could remember. I was oblivious to the pain and hurt that they went through in their individual lives. It does not excuse them for the way they treated me, but it does explain everything.
As for me right now .....I am ok, I am not happy, but I don't expect to be yet. I forget sometimes that this has only been weeks and not months or years, it feels like a lot longer than it is since he left again. I am content, I allow the tears to flow ...which does not happen every day anymore, in fact I think NYD was the last time .... I know that this will take time and I need to give myself that time to adjust and find my own way. I keep being reminded of this saying "no one knows what will happen around the corner" and that is so true, we wake up in the morning and have no idea how the day will unfold, so I hope that one day something truly fantastic will happen and it will change my life forever ....in a good way.
It may be tonight with my lucky lotto numbers lol.
Love and hugs to everyone, you are all amazing, strong and brave people, never forget that.
