A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[PacLove]

PM - Definitely appreciate the posts, I was simply commenting no the fact I've accepted the A which is sort of my way of detaching. I'm not overly familiar with you sich so please forgive me.

I think a big barrier for many people to reconcile or at least pave the way to reconciliation is that the betrayed has a tough time getting past the A. I know first hand from friends of mine that got D due to this, the W could never accept that it happened and held it against him.

Yes it perhaps is convenient that I'm there for her, but at the same time she has woken up and that's generally the described behavior of a WW in the forums here. I have prayed and hoped for this for the last 1 year and she's finally initiating wanting to work on the R. I know baby steps, patience and don't let my guard down.

I'm still also trying to remember and maintain all the hard work I've put in this past year.

I feel sometimes this forum focuses too much on fixing ourselves, and not enough on what paths can be taken to actually "bust the divorce" and reconcile with your spouse - as opposed to preparing for the next relationship.

As for your advice on dating, I wholeheartedly agree - as I did try dating for a bit and not only does it pollute and complicate things it also zaps away your energy from working on yourself... I really regret it now even though it was short lived.

[PacLove]

There are a lot of great resources here for when BD occurs, detach, stop pursuing, Sandi's rules etc... but I'm struggling to find much on how to handle the situation similar to mine when the W is slowly re-emerging and wanting to work on the R.

I'm guarded and hesitant to jump back in to quickly but at the same time don't want to have barriers in place that will be potential love busters.

Tips from those that have reconciled? (other than being careful and guarded)

[PacLove]

Had our first counselling session this week - spoke about some of the challenges we both have in the M as well as some of the things we need to change. The biggest concern W has was whether I will ever trust her again.

We both agreed to "work" towards R and open up communication with each other.

Remaining hopeful and optimistic.

[Kid]

Congrats!! that is great news - I am just reading through your thread.

[ForGump]

I feel sometimes this forum focuses too much on fixing ourselves, and not enough on what paths can be taken to actually "bust the divorce" and reconcile with your spouse - as opposed to preparing for the next relationship.

Can you explain this differently?

The forum (myself included) appears to give self-improvement as the main means to bust the divorce.

What are the paths are you talking about?

Can you give me some examples of paths?

[PacLove]

Hey FG,

Perhaps it came off the wrong way a bit... the forum definitely focuses on self-improvement which if I had not done, I would have never been where I am today to actually be ready for reconciliation. I know 3 months ago I wasn't ready, heck a month ago I probably wasn't - are we ever? I do know I'm in a much better state today then I was at initial BD.

What I meant by Paths - is now that we are ready to take the R forward - how to approach it? how slow do we go? thoughts? ideas? What boundaries do we maintain and which ones do we slowly let go off. When is it ok to initiate txt's again, hugs, etc. When to talk about the A? When to move back in?

Here's been my approach so far... granted today is only 1 week since the R talk:

- still letting her initiate most contacts, but I have on occasion (2-3 times in the last week)
- she was the first one to hug me last weekend, I initiated one after therapy
- When we call each other to say goodnight to D, we ask each other how our day is and talk for a minute or two
- yesterday we had an extended IM conversation - felt weird though would have much rather talked to her on the phone.
- no talk of moving, or A yet although she seems open to talking about it
- we agreed to have a date next week
- she also said she wont be ready for physical intimacy for a long while to which I said that's fine

I'm sort of approaching this like a new relationship - where we need to date an rekindle the spark - we both acknowledge at some point we need to deal with the baggage but that seems like such a love buster right now.

[ForGump]

One boundary that I think worked was when she was moving to her own place and I was insistent on D staying with her on her nights, I think that probably created a bit of a wake up call/reality check for her...

You mean initially she wanted your D to stay with you even though it was her turn to have her? Why would she want that?

Not an important issue I suppose but it piqued my curiosity....

[PacLove]

One boundary that I think worked was when she was moving to her own place and I was insistent on D staying with her on her nights, I think that probably created a bit of a wake up call/reality check for her...

You mean initially she wanted your D to stay with you even though it was her turn to have her? Why would she want that?

Not an important issue I suppose but it piqued my curiosity....

Yes she wanted D to have stability and stay at the family home during the school week. At the time I suspected it was also so she can have that additional freedom to be with OM if she wanted too and not have to get up in the morning with D.

But that meant more responsibility on me - morning routine every day, having to be home by 9:30 so she can then go to her place etc. etc.

[roist]

How are things going this week?

Best wishes

[Gordie]

PacLove,

I just wanted to say thank you as I've been following your thread.

Why did your W choose S and not D? My W has told me the same thing.