Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[sandi2]

OK, but with temp testing, which seems to be happening a lot at the moment, how do I respond without appearing cold?

Why are you so worried you will appear cold to the woman who is abusing or disrespecting you?

For instance, Fri there was lots of Spew, Saturday a little bit of drunken spewing, Sunday morning, WW wants to ML & asks 'Don't I love her?'.

I would have used a stern but calm voice and said something like, "It's never been a question about my love. It appears, however, there's a question about your love". Then I would have promptly told her thanks, but no thanks for the offer of sex.....and I would have walked out of the room much like Rhett Butler walked away from Scarlett. And.....I would not have cared if she thought I was cold or hot. Call it a truth dart, or whatever. I just think there is a time & place you have to show respect for yourself, when the other person is using you. But that's just me, and what's more important here is how did YOU respond?

Doing a 180 would be starting more conversations, and being proactive in conversations, as well as the active & intent listening. Just wondering how this fits with the WW sitch when she won't end the EA. Do I try & 180 (as it would make me a better man anyway, not just a better partner/H) to be more proficient at starting conversations.

Just for the record.....you don't have to 180 everything! IMHO, the LBS's show their pursuing side when they use the 180 technique as their excuse to do what their "feelings" are wanting. Practice learning how to be more proficient on other people, but not your W.

When she was mini-spewing on NYE, it came across that she wanted me to make changes - I was saying I know I have to make changes and will work on them when she commits to working on our R, i.e. - ends the EA. She took it as I never make conversations and won't in future.

So? You have told her you will not start working on things as long as she continues her A. But now you want to call it self improvement. I think you should practice with others, and when she stops her affair (if she doesn't start another one), you will be polished and ready to indulge a hearty conversation with her.

Not saying I love you first - although I have been responding if she says it first? Unsure on this being a good idea.

No ILY's is no ILY's. It doesn't matter who says it first. Maybe it would be easier if you just told us how things have changed for her in the MR. Has she had to lose anything since her A started?

What am I not doing well:
1. detaching emotionally. I am still allowing myself to be temp checked regularly, responding to WW's signs of affections or ML.
2. Any sort of last resort or tough love
3. Applying firm but meaningful boundaries for MYSELF.

I don't think you can apply #2 as long as you are telling her you love her and having sex when she initiates. Just b/c she wants sex does not mean she is in love with you, nor does it mean it's some sign of progress being made.....if she's still conducting an A. You know that, right? My sex drive jumped over the moon when I was having an EA. I just didn't have any desire for my H. Some women will have sex with their H, while fantasizing about the OM. Maybe you have some other woman in your head while having sex, IDK, I'm just saying that her tempt checking you is about her checking to see if she still has control over you, and how attached you are to her. Yes, it her selfishness, but also, WW's are big manipulators. Having sex with her keeps you confused and basically scared to apply any sort of boundary, but this is just my opinion about a WW's stitch. I believe the common thread that runs through most problems involving a wayward in the MR, is their high level of disrespect, deep resentment, and rebellion toward the the H. There can be other factors added....but those three seem to form the foundation. Therefore, the H needs to approach the stitch by using those three as units of measurement. As long as she is displaying a hint of disrespect, resentment, or rebellion in some form....there will be no progression in their MR. It may be covered up for a while, but eventually, he will experience all of this again if it is not previously tackled. So......you can be her BFF, or have sex every night, or stand on your toes trying to do whatever she wants you to do, but there will be no change in her heart until those 3 (at least) areas have started showing evidence of change. At the very least, she needs to recognize it and be willing to do what is necessary to work through it to save the MR. It usually takes professional help to guide the couple back to a truly healthy place. Of course, she will need to end any and all inappropriate contacts.

My biggest concern/area of self doubt is whether I should be 180ing (which I am wanting to do, as it is a personal self improvement as I see it) or whether I should be growing a pair and working out ways of applying tough love in this sitch.

What, beside the conversations, are you wanting to 180? There are a lot of things you could 180 that have nothing to do with her....and could be for personal growth. No offense, but I think you are cherry picking just a little bit....and calling it personal growth.