D and MLC

[ciluzen]

Thank you, LT, HaWho, Esame and Sotto (I missed your post, somehow!) for stopping by to visit and offer your support. As I said, D24 is on her own path. I can only really touch base with her and let her know I love her and believe in her, but she needs to do the work to get healthy. I'm here for support and I think she knows that when she needs help, I will help her.

My brother is still in ICU, but is showing some signs of improvement. I am in communication with my nephew and my mom is also keeping me updated.

On the H front, I haven't heard from him since I told him to have fun on New Years. I had to send him a form to have him transfer a portion of an account as per our D agreement. He hadn't done it and I understood with all of what he's been going through with family, holidays, etc. that it wasn't a priority to him, and I was trying to be nice. I was worried about his reaction (how will he view that? Am I being insensitive? Will it make him angry at me?), then I realized...our D was final in October. His mom went missing after Thanksgiving. Its January. He's had time to ski each weekend and spend a weekend with a house full of families. I need to get better at this "living my life for me" thing. I 99% don't care about his reaction...it is part of our agreement and should have been done immediately. I sent the form, my part filled out, yesterday.

So, along those lines, I have a question for those who have adult children (or who were adults when their own parents split). As I've said, my D24 is struggling with a lot right now. But my D26 is actually the one that is really starting to cause me pain. She is showing a lot of anger (below the surface, though) in her interactions with me. I've said before, when her dad left I leaned heavily on her because I really had no one. She had to deal with "her rock" becoming a sobbing blob of goo for a bit. She confronted me, told me I shouldn't do that to her, created some boundaries and little by little I pulled up my big girl panties and stopped. Heres the problem now, though. She sees how XH and I interact together, (we were fine at Christmas)and I am fine when she brings him up. But she keeps not telling me when they get together and then lets it "slip" at a later time, with a "I told you that, didn't I" when she actually went to great lengths to cover it up or lie about it. She will also start to talk about him, then when I say "yes, he told me about that" and start to tell her what he said, she bristles and tells me he talks to her a lot and that she's insisted that he not keep things from her, and acts angry...at me. She seems to be very possessive of how he shares his feelings and troubles with her...as if shes angry that he is burdening her but angry at me for not being the one he's talking to, but then angry at me when I tell her that he does speak with me. She has begun to be very condescending toward me and talks about how she and her husband communicate so well. As if to make a point. I want to shake her and say, "but we were just the same for YEARS!" I literally got of the phone with her last night wanting to tell her to just go F herself (not something you say to anyone, much less your own daughter). I know she feels shes in a tough position; she's a fixer like both her dad and I, but this is getting very hard to deal with. Any thoughts?