Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 8

[PsySara]

Cherry,
I totally get what you're saying. Sometimes I step away from the site as it becomes almost obsession for me to save my marriage, work on my DBing technique, etc., It is MUCH more challenging to detach while WH is here but then the kids do great when he's home. So I am just taking the good and tossing out the bad.

Skyhigh,
I do NOT take offense to your words. I find your insight refreshing and also comforting that someone else is walking this path is doing okay. It would be very difficult for WH to re-establish communication with OW but then he has surprised me before. Please keep posting your thoughts and advice, I am even open to any 2x4s you can toss at me. I find constructive criticism invaluable.

Jim,
Those goals were in no particular order. Thought I've been okay about going to the gym, I find myself making up missed prayers (salats) as work sometimes gets away with me.

Christy,
My coach has been invaluable but my schedule usually only leaves evenings open and it's been a challenge to schedule a session. I am applying the techniques my coach has taught me and focusing on actions and ignoring words. While WH said he was going to contact a lawyer and file, he has yet to do so. I consider this the gift of time, if he wants to wait until we've closed on the house and then a few months to save money then I've got some time to put serious doubt in his head. I am working on me but also doing more trial and error. I am trying to stay consistent with what worked previously. WH is back to minimal interaction so I putting my best foot forward. He only gets to see strong, vibrant and sexy Sara. Let him be the fool to leave me. (I picture some guys at his work looking at me and going, "Are you NUTS, WH?! She's awesome!" I find this imagery puts straightness in my posture and confidence in my strut.

Painter,
Good to see you around! I find you an inspiration, your DBing techniques are amazing. One of my regrets is we don't have PM ability here so we can't all arrange a meetup to hug each other and throw a party.


So nothing new to report. WH speaks very little to me and we keep it superficial and polite. He rarely looks at my face, just quick glances here and there. His face is blank and sometimes appears puzzled. I have been faithful with going to the gym and running. I am trying to keep up with my prayers but falter and have to do make-ups. I've called my cousin when my rage starts to bubble over and just spew my anger. He is an amazing man and my best friend, he has stood by me through this and will back me whatever I decide. He is married and his husband cheated on him once, they were able to reconcile so my cousin is very understanding of my pain.

I am not sure what's going on but I am on my own roller coaster ride. I have these bizarre rushes of love hit me while at work and suddenly want to find WH and starts to smother him in kisses and hugs. Inside I am just...mystified. Then I will have moments where the anger bubbles up and I feel this hot knot in my throat. This vanishes as well and then I get sad. This has nothing to do with WHs actions, he's not even present when I go through this. I make sure not to act on my impulses and stamp it down. I am very puzzled with these extreme emotions toward WH. I've also carefully examined our marriage before the affair and really didn't like a lot of things WH did. I question why I have been hanging on so hard when he's not exactly my night in shining armor. If we do manage to reconcile then there needs to be BIG changes on both our ends. Bare minimum we need to treat each other with respect and kindness, both of us fell horribly short in this regard.

In the meantime I need to continue to 180 with my other relationships. I need to focus more on the moment with my children, my friends, my patients. I need to stop letting my mind wander back to the affair and the fallout, it's only hurting me to ruminate about it.