Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 8

[PatientMan]

WH sat down this afternoon and said he will be going to a lawyer and filing for divorce. He said he doesn't want to stay in a marriage where he argues everyday and is miserable. I validated and said he could do whatever he wants, I cannot stop him. WH then said he would probably need to live with me and the kids until the divorce was complete, I told him that was fine. I calmly went over some figures with regards to child support and then helped DD6 with her homework.

WH had gone back to his office and was playing video games. I told him I was going for a drive and then left for 2 hours.

I am in a bad way right now. I do not want a divorce but I am hitting a wall here. WH has turned into a monster and if he decides to drop the axe I will seek sole physical custody of the kids, I don't trust him to be consistent with them. Putting space between us simply escalated him to go for divorce. I even purchased an E-book by another author who also says he has the formula for saving marriages when they've been broken. Turns out he is just regurgitating DBing techniques. I really want to just curl up and disappear right now.

This is tough stuff, and you are doing great! Keep it up!

Remember, you can only control yourself...your actions and reactions. Others can be bat-turd-crazy and completely irrational, but that isn't your responsibility. Just take care of your side of the street.

-PM

[skyhigh]

Sara,
Something just crossed my mind, it's just an idea.

It is obvious he is still in withdrawal from the OW and depressed.
Sometimes when the withdrawal is too painful for them, MLCes try to contact the OW to alleviate that pain , "just to check if she is OK", specially if they had a deep emotional connection with OW and it lasted for a few months.

Once the contact is being reestablished their mood is back to what it used to be during the affair and they cannot stand their spouse anymore (nasty, spew, everything is good to be criticized they are looking at any excuses to blame us for the mood swings, because they know they are back to lying and they don't want us to ask any questions). Mine was like that. That's also how I knew "here we go again". He was blaming me , I couldn't be right, he had to make nasty comments on everything and he started to take all his meals alone away from us and rush to the bedroom. He became very secretive.

What makes me think that way, is that he voiced his intention to divorce you after you find a house you could afford ALONE. Did he ever try to persuade you to buy it together or bigger? I do remember he told you he will put the down payment, it might have been his way to fill less guilty about his intention of divorcing you, spending money that way could be a way to sweep the guilty/shame feeling he might have.

Why does he want to live with you until the divorce?
Why does he not want to find a place of his own?
Does he have the intention to leave your city, your state?
If he is back with OW it might be easier to leave if he doesn't have a place of his own.
Just ideas again... but they are something to explore.

[PsySara]

Why does he want to live with you until the divorce?

HE said for financial purposes, but I don't know honestly.

Why does he not want to find a place of his own?

He said he will find a place of his own after divorce

Does he have the intention to leave your city, your state?

I don't think so but I don't really know this man anymore.

If he is back with OW it might be easier to leave if he doesn't have a place of his own.

OW lives with her parents (the had her move home a month after the exposure and when she quit her job) and they live in the MidWest, we live in the south. WH would have to rearrange his entire life and they would have to sneak as her parents were APPALLED when I exposed her. They are devout Christians so you can imagine their horror when they found out their 21 yr old daughter was thinking of being some dude's "second wife." It would also mean he loses half custody of the kids. But who knows?
Just ideas again... but they are something to explore.

[PsySara]

Journaling....
I had some severe dips today, I went to work, did well and then by 1 pm was kind of sinking. I went home for a rest and was in bed when WH came to me and asked me to watch the baby while he went out for food. I told him I was unwell and had a doc appointment at 3. (cardiology) He asked if it was about my colposcopy results, I told him I had the LEEP last week and needed follow up in 6 months to check for any more cancer. He mumbled sorry and left to get food.

I went to my cardiology appointment and the doc is ordering some tests and feels ablation may need to be done. By the time I drove home I was feeling in better spirits and even had some casual convos with WH. I even volunteered my cardio information which appeared to engage him in conversation. I am making some very BASIC goals for myself:

1: have some minimal conversations with WH where I am calm and happy (already accomplished this today)
2:Keep reaching out to my friends/family who are my cheerleaders
3: Keep my gym and salat routines

[Cherry]

Sara, sorry I haven't been around much. Sometimes it's a bit of a painful reminder to come on here frequently.

I'm so sorry to hear of your latest developments with wh. I know the feelings you will be feeling now oh so well. I'm not going to lie and say I don't still hurt, but it's less painful, and on my mind a lot less these days. It's been almost 3 months since he left and to be honest, it's a lot calmer here now. How good of a father your wh will be, well time will tell- mine rarely sees S. But you must take care of yourself for your own sanity and your children's, if you're happy, they will too in sha allah. You have done everything and more to try and save this m.

[skyhigh]

Sara, I hope you have not being offended by my post, but brainstorming is like a second nature for me and I went through so much with WH during his affairs, specially the first one, he just couldn't let her go for a few months after I caught them the first time. They kept in communication. Double guessing is now in me.

I truly wish that he is just only extremely ambivalent and he is pushing your buttons to figure out (in a very MLCer mind way) what he wants to do.

Do you still wear you wedding ring? Mine told me that me wearing it was something comforting, proof that I still cared for him, weird isn't it! There is an article about the LBS as being the Lighthouse, did you read it?

I hope that you health issues will be resolved soon. You are such a strong woman, I truly admire you. That journey is a roller coaster emotional.

[J5K]

Sara,

Sorry to hear about the news WH has given you.

Please focus on you and the kids.

I think the goals you set are good. May I suggest the priority be slightly different as far as order of importance, 2, 3, 1.

You are a rock and in order to stay that way, WH needs to be put on the backburner.

I hope things get better for you through the week.

(((Sara)))

[Cristy]

Journaling....
I had some severe dips today, I went to work, did well and then by 1 pm was kind of sinking. I went home for a rest and was in bed when WH came to me and asked me to watch the baby while he went out for food. I told him I was unwell and had a doc appointment at 3. (cardiology) He asked if it was about my colposcopy results, I told him I had the LEEP last week and needed follow up in 6 months to check for any more cancer. He mumbled sorry and left to get food.

I went to my cardiology appointment and the doc is ordering some tests and feels ablation may need to be done. By the time I drove home I was feeling in better spirits and even had some casual convos with WH. I even volunteered my cardio information which appeared to engage him in conversation.

Hi Sara,

I'm so glad that you are focusing on your health and getting the necessary tests, procedures, etc. I'm praying that the ablation will be the noninvasive variety if you need to do it.

Don't panic because WH is saying he wants to divorce. Let him jump through all the hoops and deal with the details. Keep focusing on yourself and those precious kiddos.

Has it been a while since you spoke with your DB Coach? Please give me a call and we can look at the schedule.

Regards,

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Painter]

Sara, I'm so sorry that you're struggling with health issues in the middle of this. You have a lot of responsibilities on your shoulders. Do lean on your friends and family at this time, don't hesitate to ask for help and support.

(((((((Sara)))))))

Remember, believe nothing of what he says and 50% of what he does.

[PsySara]

Cherry,
I totally get what you're saying. Sometimes I step away from the site as it becomes almost obsession for me to save my marriage, work on my DBing technique, etc., It is MUCH more challenging to detach while WH is here but then the kids do great when he's home. So I am just taking the good and tossing out the bad.

Skyhigh,
I do NOT take offense to your words. I find your insight refreshing and also comforting that someone else is walking this path is doing okay. It would be very difficult for WH to re-establish communication with OW but then he has surprised me before. Please keep posting your thoughts and advice, I am even open to any 2x4s you can toss at me. I find constructive criticism invaluable.

Jim,
Those goals were in no particular order. Thought I've been okay about going to the gym, I find myself making up missed prayers (salats) as work sometimes gets away with me.

Christy,
My coach has been invaluable but my schedule usually only leaves evenings open and it's been a challenge to schedule a session. I am applying the techniques my coach has taught me and focusing on actions and ignoring words. While WH said he was going to contact a lawyer and file, he has yet to do so. I consider this the gift of time, if he wants to wait until we've closed on the house and then a few months to save money then I've got some time to put serious doubt in his head. I am working on me but also doing more trial and error. I am trying to stay consistent with what worked previously. WH is back to minimal interaction so I putting my best foot forward. He only gets to see strong, vibrant and sexy Sara. Let him be the fool to leave me. (I picture some guys at his work looking at me and going, "Are you NUTS, WH?! She's awesome!" I find this imagery puts straightness in my posture and confidence in my strut.

Painter,
Good to see you around! I find you an inspiration, your DBing techniques are amazing. One of my regrets is we don't have PM ability here so we can't all arrange a meetup to hug each other and throw a party.


So nothing new to report. WH speaks very little to me and we keep it superficial and polite. He rarely looks at my face, just quick glances here and there. His face is blank and sometimes appears puzzled. I have been faithful with going to the gym and running. I am trying to keep up with my prayers but falter and have to do make-ups. I've called my cousin when my rage starts to bubble over and just spew my anger. He is an amazing man and my best friend, he has stood by me through this and will back me whatever I decide. He is married and his husband cheated on him once, they were able to reconcile so my cousin is very understanding of my pain.

I am not sure what's going on but I am on my own roller coaster ride. I have these bizarre rushes of love hit me while at work and suddenly want to find WH and starts to smother him in kisses and hugs. Inside I am just...mystified. Then I will have moments where the anger bubbles up and I feel this hot knot in my throat. This vanishes as well and then I get sad. This has nothing to do with WHs actions, he's not even present when I go through this. I make sure not to act on my impulses and stamp it down. I am very puzzled with these extreme emotions toward WH. I've also carefully examined our marriage before the affair and really didn't like a lot of things WH did. I question why I have been hanging on so hard when he's not exactly my night in shining armor. If we do manage to reconcile then there needs to be BIG changes on both our ends. Bare minimum we need to treat each other with respect and kindness, both of us fell horribly short in this regard.

In the meantime I need to continue to 180 with my other relationships. I need to focus more on the moment with my children, my friends, my patients. I need to stop letting my mind wander back to the affair and the fallout, it's only hurting me to ruminate about it.