I desperately need help and would appreciate your patience and willingness to read my dilemma.
H40 W39 Married and together 12 years. dated about 6 months before marriage D7 S6
I am not sure how much detail to go into and where to start ?! There are a myriad of reasons why i was a terrible husband and i don't blame you if you think me as complete a$$.
1 . Right after we got married, i insisted we stay with my parents to defray costs while i got through med school - lots of pent up resentment towards me and my family built up over 6 years 2. Would side with my "family" and would disregard or discount her thoughts, ideas and suggestions. 3. Would fight unfair by not talking to her for days on end. 4. Would make unilateral decisions on matters which pertain to both of us and then get mad she objected. 5. Overall, i pretty much did everything i could do wrong in the relationship including not participating in MC sessions. 6. I am sure she has bought the DB and DR books and has done a bunch of courses/sessions with all the major players in the MC arena. 6. My stressors were that i was going through med school (not an excuse, i know).
The end result of all of the above is that as a cumulative result of the past hurt she has repeatedly told me she doesnt love me, trust me or respect me.
Some key timeline points:
Apr 2014 - After completing my residency, I had planned to take up a job / fellowship in a town approx 60 miles from my family. We had a big fight about moving / the job and 2 days later - she says she is not moving anywhere with me and would like a separation and that she does not love me.
July 2015-June 2016 - I move out of our home for this timeframe to accommodate a one year clinical fellowship in a town approx 2 hours away from her and the kids - returning on the weekends to spend time with kids and her. This was a rough timeframe for me and her with lots of animosity between her and I. She had to be the defacto single parent as well.
July 2016 to present - She insists that she does not want to move from our current location, partly because of her job and partly because she doesn't trust me. This limits my job opportunities locally and I accept a job offer in a city approx 900 miles away. The job has significant time off and i am at home 1.5 weeks per month and every weekend. She is currently the defacto single parent while also working full time at a new job.
Since 2015, she has repeatedly said that we are only married on paper for the sake of the kids. Recently on a day to day basis, there are no major flareups as we really don't talk about anything other than logistics for the kids. Our relationship is cordial and when we talk, she will ask about my day etc. However, once the kids go to bed, she will go upstairs to our mbr and spend time on her phone until she falls asleep. When i asked her once why she did this, her answer was, I am actively rejecting you.
She seems perfectly fine (my opinion) to keep this pseudo-relationship going with me. I go "home" every weekend and for a week once a month. We are nice happy family with the exception of any real interaction/relationship with my wife. We make short term and long term plans which involve us spending time as a family and with each other's families, which seems weird to me .
Physically, no affection/touch/sex for the past 18 months.
I don't want to be roommates or just friends. I want to be her husband. I asked her recently if we could get back to when we first met and her response was - "possible but highly unlikely". She also said first step at any reconciliation would be for me to get a job in the same town as her (which i have secured and will be starting in 6 months).
I don't know what to do. Initially, i had thought i could be in this pseudorelationship for the sake of the kids, but i am so lonely it hurts. I am scared of next steps, but know that i can't live like this anymore. The uncertainty is killing me. I don't want to get divorced but if there is no hope for our relationship, I cannot continue like this.
I am trying to GAL, but i find myself thinking about my situation all the time.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my rambling.
