Wife has filed for divorce

[G_Main]

I'm working with the DB coaches over the phone and the thing I learned was to look for small victories. If you're waiting for the, "I miss you, let's make this work.." you'll be waiting a while and can lose hope when you may be making progress.

It may or may not be worth reading in to, but here's what my coach always asks me.

If you were doing everything right and you felt like your husband (wife) was feeling a tiny bit better toward you, what do you think that would look like? For each of us it could be entirely different. Maybe for you it's that your wife talks to you about something other than the kids, or goes a whole week without mentioning the divorce, maybe she texts you in the middle of the day about something where she wasn't talking to you at all before.

If you miss those little things, youll lose hope. DB is really sort of a hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

I read somewhere on here to potentially account for one month of hard DB work for every year you've been married. Not that you can nail a time frame on it in any way, but some people might have unrealistic expectations for how quickly they want their spouse to notice their 180 and possibly come back around. So be prepared for a potentially long, exhausting time.

[ngs]

Just received a letter in the mail from Friend of the Court, meeting scheduled December 28th to discuss custody, child support, ect. And our kids have to be there for the first part of the meeting.

They are aware that we are having problems, I sleep in bunk beds with my youngest, but they have no idea my W filed for divorce Oct. 21. I'm waiting for her to say something about talking with them but if she doesn't soon then I'm going to have to bring it up.

We also have a pre-trial conference with the judge on Jan 10th, that I've known about for a few weeks now.

Things are getting real, quick and right smack during the holiday season.

Try not to think about this stuff but it's coming quick and if all goes through divorce will be final in April.

[doodler]

Things are getting real, quick and right smack during the holiday season.

ngs,

You should find an opportunity to mention to your WW that she makes Ebenezer Scrooge look like a saint. That's not good for DB, but sometimes it's fun to raise the ire of the WW just 'cause you can.

[ngs]

A quick recap of my sitch...I was a WH over 15 years ago, a drunken one night stand which resulted in a child out of wedlock. We went through marriage counseling but we never repaired our relationship and just stayed together.

Fast Forward 5 years, unhappy marriage I engaged in an EA which turned to PA for 3 months until I got caught, ended it, promised it would never happen again. And it never did.

Never went to counseling again as a couple, there was never forgiveness or trust rebuilt, just moved ahead with life and ignored it. At times tried working on ourselves, working on our marriage but it just never meshed and just moved forward with the way things were so here we are 15 years later and my wife has filed for divorce, does not want to work on marriage, extremely unhappy and can not stand being in the same house as me...a very tense sitch.

Yesterday I came in from the garage after working out to (extremely angry tone)
W: "I asked your son to go shovel the driveway (lots of snow yesterday) to which he replied I was waiting for dad to tell us because he's the one that usually tells us what to do"

W: "This is what I have to deal with everyday and you making plans and you flying around here like super person trying to do everything and take care of everything"

W: "And I deal with whining from the kids when I ask them to do something"

W: "Being around here for the last 3 days with you is more than I can handle" (The weekend so we're both home all day long)


I responded "I am sorry you have a hard time being around me"

M: "I also deal with the kids whining when being asked to do something"

M: "Are there specific situations or examples of me making plans?" (There was no response to this)

M: "I feel like you think I am being the selfish one" I completely worded this statement wrong, because I got

W: "So you are accusing me of being selfish?"

W: "You think this has all been easy for me?, Just because I haven't worked all these years and you supported us and I've taken advantage of the situation and I'm just doing what I want to do now?"

I said "No, I meant that I feel like you think everything I do is only out of selfishness but it is not"

And I finished with "I am not doing anything wrong"

W: "You don't even understand how to be in a relationship"

That was basically the end of it, the kids were around the house so we weren't going to keep going on, I don't even know why she wants to engage me in an argument, we are 2 months into divorce proceedings. She refuses to do marriage counseling or even just for herself. I have not mentioned counseling since early summer, except that we will need counseling on how to co-parent.

I am always nice, positive around the home. I don't initiate conversation, never R conversation. I don't respond when she is being negative about anything.

I know we are here because of my irresponsible, devastating choices in the past. I just don't know what else to do, we can't work on anything together, I am working on many things to make myself better and have been for 4 years, kids are my focus.

We have a FOC conference including kids in less than 3 weeks and the kids know nothing about divorce, waiting for my wife to say that we need to sit down with them, don't know why she is waiting...I am going to have to bring it up if she doesn't.

[MrBond]

Did you ever read DB or DR?

[ngs]

Did you ever read DB or DR?

Yes, I bought DR 8 months ago, read through it over the course of a month and started implementing things from the book. I read through sandi's rules daily to make sure I'm staying on track with what I'm doing.

She is angry living in the same house as me but has nowhere else to go...she only interacts with me if she has to and it's usually tense.

She has told me "the marriage is over, it was over long ago, I am going through with the divorce, the only reason I'm still here is because I have no other choice right now"

Made it through FOC conference, kids did not have to go fortunately, but they are still unaware of the impending divorce.

Next is pre-trial conference with the judge on 1-10-17, next week.

I'm positive even with everything that's happening, mentally and physically doing well, working out, going out once a week and extremely busy with kids activities.

My wife says she's going back to counseling, hopefully that helps her because she is obviously struggling with everything and she has told me that it just irritates her that I can be "Mr. Positive" with everything that is happening. I've not been "Mr. Positive" in the past.

[MrBond]

So as per DB, what are your measurable goals as they pertain to your W? What is your timeline?

[ngs]

So as per DB, what are your measurable goals as they pertain to your W? What is your timeline?

My goals are...

To be able to go out to dinner together

Watch a movie together

To have physical contact with one another and I just mean a hug

To compliment each other and accept those compliments

Sleep in the same bed together

Have a normal conversation about something..our only conversations are short and pertain to either divorce proceedings or child obligations

As far as timeline...I hope to start seeing some of these things in the next 4 months because our divorce will be final at the end of April, these have been my goals for over 4 months already

Even after divorce I am still willing to reconcile

[Gordie]

I need to be more positive. I think I've moved from sad to neutral. How do I achieve your zen state of Mr. Positive? I think this would be good for my situation. You are inspiring.

[ngs]

I need to be more positive. I think I've moved from sad to neutral. How do I achieve your zen state of Mr. Positive? I think this would be good for my situation. You are inspiring.

Gordie,

This is going to be a long list that I've implemented over the course of 8 months, it takes time. These are ordered in what I think is important not the order I implemented them in, and keep in mind I had a pretty negative, "sky is falling" mindset

1. Choose to be positive everyday, 1st thing in morning and re-commit continuously throughout the day everyday
2. Exercise is extremely important - I run/bike/P90X
3. Change your diet - also extremely important, research "brain" vitamins
4. Practice mindfulness - there are many apps out there for free to guide, including Christian meditations, I've kept up on your situation and I'm a Christian as well
5. Find the right counselor, mine has helped me with many things on this list...I feel very fortunate for finding the counselor I have
6. Practice gratitude for everything, everyday from when I first wake up in the morning to when I go to bed at night, there are so many things to be grateful for in spite of everything
7. Reading - I've read books on retraining your brain, mindfulness, practicing gratitude & many more self help/relationship
8. Reminding yourself daily that most things are out of your control, you control yourself and in the end you still have a long life to live and it will work out no matter what happens
9. If I'm having negative thoughts, sometimes I write them down, it's easier for me to let go of them knowing I wrote them down

There were many more incremental steps that I've taken but this is a lot of what I have done and continue to do daily

This is not easy, I still have bad days, it is that I can turn that bad day around now, when before I would be negative & angry for long periods

I hope some of this helps