MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year

[ForGump]

Gordie-

I'm no vet but have been vocal in your thread. I find that the more someone's situation resonates with my own plight, the more passionately I write. Perhaps because I'm writing more to persuade myself than anyone else.

Anyhow, I do understand that warmth and toughness do often appear to conflict. I think getting the right mix of the two is probably one of the hardest things to learn of the DB approach. It feels to me a bit like a zen koan. It's puzzling yet it makes sense intuitively, and there aren't quite the right words to explain it.

Thinking more reductively and rationally, though, I think the key is to be warm within the boundaries you set but be clear-eyed and tough about the consequences of venturing outside of that. Give her your heart; but not your soul.

More concretely, in your situation, I think it means that as long as you are married and she has not crossed a boundary you set, treat her with warmth and respect. But, if she crosses a boundary or is fantasizing about life beyond that boundary, then give her tough love. Don't fuel her fantasies by letting her think that she can have her cake and eat it too. No, she can't go sleep with a 22 year old employee and keep getting all your love. Let her know that once she fires you as her husband, you will indeed no longer be her husband. You are not going to wait around and love her and serve her at her beck and call. You are going to move on and live your life.

Does that make sense? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. I'm no pro/vet. But, as I said, your situation resonates a lot with mine -- more so in the last few days.

About your wife's comment about you re-marrying first: obviously, that betrays her insecurity and doubt about the fork in the road she is wanting, dying, to take. She wants you to comfort her by saying, "Oh no, I doubt it'll be me first; you'll find someone great first." Or "Oh no, I'll love you forever," the subtext being, I'll be your second-choice and wait around forever in case your first choice doesn't work out.

Maybe simply not responding ("not watering weeds" -- I like that!) is the wiser thing to do, but I'd be tempted to stick a small hand shovel under that weed by replying, something like, "Well, maybe. I might meet someone great quickly. Who knows. Regardless, once you let me go as a husband, I'm not going to keep living like one. I will move on and build my own life without you."

I wish both of us strength.