MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year

[Gordie]

Reading through all of these stories, there does seem to be some conflicting advice from my DB coach (trying to build connection) and the vets (tough love).

Building a connection and tough love are not mutually exclusive concepts. I am not sure who of the vets have been giving you what advice, but I think part of the disconnect may simply be the textual format of a MB versus having a conversation over the phone. From the vets who have gone through these types of situations, they know the importance of setting appropriate boundaries (for yourself) and building yourself up so that you are ready for a healthy relationship with your spouse...so that you don't gloss over fixing the problems that may have led to marital strife, leaving you more likely to repeat them.

But you most definitely can build yourself up and build a connection at the same time. The problem lies in building that connection at the expense of building yourself up. After all, "tough love" is still love, and it isn't for toughness' sake, it is for the sake of YOU.

-PM

PM,

Thanks for your comments. I have read yours on other threads and I heed your hard earned wisdom.

I agree that a phone conversation with a DB coach allows for more nuance than a message board. I think where I and others like me struggle is that my failures in my marriage has been that I have been too emotionally unavailable/disconnected with my W and haven't spent enough time with her, listening to her and understanding her. So my DB coach recommends a 180 where we spend more time together, where I listen to her, where I am emotionally connecting with her. I'm doing these things which W likes but also trying to let her go, accept her decisions and detach (I agree with you that both can be done, even if they seem contradictory on the surface). Some vets say LRT or go dark/dim. This is where I get confused. Some say do not go to the friend zone. Some say remain friends. Some say keep having MR, other say don't do it, and others say do what feels right. I'm okay with contradictory advice as I think ultimately we all need to make our own decisions based upon our individual situations. I appreciate the advice that contradicts my own inclinations as it makes me re assess what I am doing and has helped me stop some of the stupid things I have been doing and thinking.