She moved out...now the work begins...Part 4

[AndrewP]

SBJ - I stole this from another thread you were posting on. I'm not MrBond although I do look good in a bow tie.

Mr. Bond...not meaning to hijack, but...

I have read the DR book and am struggling with the whole...how am I going to save my M when it is imminent that we are going to be divorced in the near future and she doesn't want to fix our M. I am becoming a better version of myself for me and my children, but should I embrace the D as something that she has to complete (as our original M is dead anyway)? Should I do what I said I would never do and totally let her go? That seems to be the advice mostly found on here...drop the rope and don't be afraid of losing them. Totally counter intuitive, but seems that I have no choice in the matter. Not to mention that it is totally against my moral views...I hope and pray this is the right thing for me to do.

I know that you are a man of faith, a stronger faith than my own so I hope you'll forgive me for channeling something that job often writes here. She is still in God's hands and He's not done with her yet. Perhaps you can look at it as not "letting her go" but more that you are releasing her to a higher power.

I struggle a lot with this myself perhaps from the same point of view but without the benefit of Faith. I'd hate to presume that I know how your mind and heart are set. I've promised my W that I would not "abandon" her. To me, that's different than letting her go on her own path. She is on her own path and I let her go. I still think about her and worry about her but am leaving her to walk her own path. Where my struggle comes in and perhaps yours as well is - at what point do we decide that they have completely moved on and we can move on away from them with a clean conscience knowing that we have fulfilled our Duty to them. Someone, I think it was Cadet once wrote that you only "have" to quit when they pile dirt on you.

As far as the divorce goes, it's just a piece of paper and if she wants it, she can do all the work. It is not your role to either enable or dissuade her from it only to protect yourself and your family.

One reason I'm responding here is with regards to this post.

She even wants to ignore our attorneys orders and just do an amicable split on paper between the two of us. She is the one that has built up our debt so that is a resounding NO.

Absolutely. I've been doing a lot of reading on separation agreements lately and what makes them enforceable. These sort of things are sometimes referred to as "Kitchen Table Agreements" and lawyers love them because if they are ever challenged they never hold together. Just because your W may agree initially doesn't mean that someone won't whisper into her ear that she didn't get what "she deserves" and you end up with huge legal bills and the fight you were trying to avoid in the first place. I don't know about your location but here in order to be considered "valid" and enforceable by the courts each party must have separate independent legal advice that the agreement is equitable and that both parties fully understand it.

If you do come to an agreement it will probably simplify your life and free you from any debt obligations she may run up and it's just a piece of paper and they haven't piled dirt up on you yet.

Good Luck.