I'm Back :(

[focus22]

Vapo, that list *love*

[Laowai]

Laowai--

I cannot help but feel all your deliberations are ... mere rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Except your ship sank long ago, it's two thousand fathoms underwater. And you are just a ghost haunting its deck.

You are worried about cell phone bills and lunches and dogs and lawyers, while you live like a zombie, not eating, not sleeping. Everything you are doing revolves around your relationship to your wife. You are a suffocating, castrated presence to your wife. She doesn't want a husband like that! Your marriage is dead.

Dead.
Dead.
Dead.

You are asking us here about what you should do. Stop it. Stop all your calculations about what you should do.

Be, first. Be.

Stand in front of a mirror, and look at yourself for a long time. Who are you? What are you, aside from the husband of your wife? What principles do you stand for, other than undying loyalty to your wife? What is your character? What makes you fun? What makes you interesting? What makes you attractive?

Then think long and hard about who your wife is. What values, what character has she shown? What is her (F*****G) problem?

You are looking for solutions but you don't yet see your problem.

I'm sorry for the harsh words. We are all in pain here. It hurts like hell. I hope you wake up.

Thank you for this. These are all very reasonable questions to which I really don't know the answers to anymore. How sad is that!?!?

[Laowai]

Stop paying for her stuff. No need to make a grand proclamation or explanation. You could just text her.

W, I decided not to pay your cell bill any more. Period.

Why wait? She will not just snap out of it. And any longer you postponet it, you will just die a bit more inside.

You need to get yourself out in the world among people. Go hiking, find a hobby, take on square dancing. You need human interaction.

There really is no need to expose her to anyone. It will do no real good. Some people will feel bad for you, some will think that you must have done something awful to her, her friends will side with her, her family might agree with you, but will side with her (blood is thicker than water). It would be super cool if you had a good personal friend that you could confide in and help to get you over these turbulent times.

If you feel depressed, you should see your GP, perhaps go on the meds for a while. This is an extremely shitty situation we all got ourselves into and it will not be going away any time soon.

Do not wait, make a plan and start living for [censored]'s sake.

1. Terminate her phone plan and inform her of it.
2. Terminate her car insurance plan and inform her.
3. Lawyer up, change the locks on your house, but do check with lawyer first.
4. Go out, get some new clothes, new cologne, new haircut. You need to start feeling better about yourself.
5. Join a gym and start going regularly.
6. Force yourself to start going. 3 nights a week for starters would be great.
7. Hobbies, get some.
8. Dreams, surely you had some. You wanted to go to MAchu Pichu, well now is the perfect time. Start moving. Do not die in your body.
9. IC, keep it up, ask for advice about meds, tell IC about your unusual sleep patterns and eating patterns. IMO you are in the grips of depression and if left untreated you could suffer and there is really no need to.
10. Stop waiting for her to wake up.
11. Axe the snooping. IMO you do not want to give up her cell phone plan is because it gives you a way to track her (and snoop). You should stop it. SERIOUSLY...
12. REorganize the house and eliminate her presence. Store away pictures of her, bag her stuff.
13. You are a grown man, time to start to act like one. Grow a pair. You will not believe how good it feels to be reborn a new man. A MAN I SAID!
14. She will spew, water off a duck's back I say. She will call you names and justify her [censored] OM with your actions. Just walk away from her. She is toxic. Imagine her like she is a big ass nuclear reactor that is leaking radiation. You do not want to be anywhere near her.
15. Stop with lunches, coffees, dog crap and god know what else. Show her with YOUR actions not your words.
16. YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK. NO, SHE WILL NOT WAKE THE [censored] UP AND COME RUNNING BACK IN YOUR ARMS LIKE IT IS SOME CHEESY CHICK FLICK.
17. You are not anywhere near being on her radar. You are a waling pay check. She found the lust and thrill of OM and you are out of the picture. OUT!
18. No, she does not need time to "find herself".
19. No, she will not be doing MC with you anytime soon.
20. Start living as if she is not coming back. For all intents and purposes she is dead to you.
21. Come here and vent if you need. We have all been where you are now. It is a dark place. But it does get better, it really does.

The most important thing is to get your ass in gear. And stop making excuses for you OR for her. The time for excuses is OVER.

You do not need to go through all my points and execute them in a single day or even a week (month). SEt a goal. Even if you just do one per week it is still a great success.

Sometimes I remember Charley Brown and Snoopy when CB says to Snoop: Someday we will all die.

And Snoopy replies: True, but on all the other days we will not...

Stay strong buddy...

Thanks for this. This seems like an extremely good list. As for the meds, I was on them for the first couple months, but my therapist thought that I was good enough to discontinue them. I'm thinking she was wrong. I know it's supposed to hurt to process all of this, but I'm not sure it is supposed to be quite this paralyzing.

Just a bit of journaling I suppose: Last night was a rough one again. Couldn't stop the mind movies and when I finally fell asleep there she was in my dreams for the very brief time asleep. Today at work something just hit me in the gut; I couldn't stop thinking about her making love to this guy the way we used to make love, saying those intimate things to him, ect. I know it's not healthy and I tried everything to make it go away as quickly as possible, but it lingered for almost an hour!!!! It was absolutely gut wrenching. I was able to eat a small meal today thanks to some guys at work that know (a little) about my situation. Hopefully tonight will be a better night.

[Vapo]

Thanks for the thanks, but I would much rather read about your progress.

I know a saying that could apply. Growth happens when reality becomes too much to bear and change is induced. IT is a shame that you need to suffer this much to get your ass in gear...

Stay strong buddy.

[ForGump]

Today at work something just hit me in the gut; I couldn't stop thinking about her making love to this guy...

I know exactly what you're going through. Still happens to me, although less frequently. Would it help if I told you it'll get better with time?

Do what you can to cope. Channel your energy, if you can. Make yourself go outside and exercise. Exhaust your body.

Meditate, if you can. Bring yourself to see her as a stranger that she once was. Or think about who she has become, all that she's doing now to hurt and disrespect you.

Might help....

[sandi2]

The mind movies and overall degeneration of your body and spirit is why the constant snooping is so bad for the LBS. I am only speaking as an observer of this behavior, but I have been observing a looooong time. Gathering enough intell to know if the spouse is in any type of inappropriate relationship is one thing, but once you do know......what is the purpose in looking on a regular basis? That isn't gathering intell, that is plain-old addictive snooping.........and it is killing you.

These folks are giving you sound advice, and that list from Valpo is great. You must stop doing what you KNOW is literally killing you slowly. Give her the dog, get a new one (and I am a dog lover, so I do understand the attachment). Stop paying for the affair. Stop acting as if you are a victim. Stop having her over and all that other stuff. She should not see you in this condition. It is the OPPOSITE of what you should be doing here!

[Coconut]

Lost, I'm gonna call you lost cause that is how I know you, I feel your pain brother, in fact I had to stop reading because I own that hurt that you describe... But I'm learning to set it aside, to move past it. You and I are not the same person, if I had confronted my WW at the OM's house, I would be in jail right now, but that isn't important, what's important is that you see it's a feeble attempt at showing your just... Just recognize that your M is over, the only way to save your M is to move past it. It's hard to explain that, sooooo many people say how can I save my M if I end it, and the best response I have is that your M is already over, but the only chance to start a new R is to end the current one.

Me personally, there is nothing that would cause me to start a new R with my ex. That doesn't stop me from missing my M, or at least what I thought my M was, but in no way am I interested in entering a new R with my ex, my eyes have been opened to what I want in life, to what I want in a M and I am no longer willing to settle.

In my time on this board, approximately 7 months, I've seen a few WW come on and recognize what they'd done, and willing to do anything to save their M.. I've noticed one common theme in their stories, their H ended the R as soon as they found out. I believe that would have changed my sitch, had I been willing or able to move on as soon as I found out; I'm there now, but it's too late for me, there has been to much disrespect from her for me to accept her back, but I believe if I had laid down the law immediately, things may have been different.

Right now you need to forget about your WW, you need to stop spying and move forward, you are only eating yourself up trying.

[MrBond]

What does Laowai mean?

[Sotto]

How are you doing today Laowai, and how do you feel about the advice you have been receiving?

I know there is a lot to think about when you are in a lot of pain too...but post again when you are ready and let us know how you are.

Take care

[Jug]

What does Laowai mean?

Haha. It's Chinese. Google it.