That's me in the spotlight

[Altair]

Journaling
Not doing so well today. I think in part my stomach is killing me and that is affecting focus and thoughts. I'm also at a conference which is never easy. I'm just...drained. I have never found joy in my work like others might do i think-- it's just a means to an end. I'm very good at it. But at the end of the day, cooking, socializing, family, parties, holidays, you name it were always my highlights. Definitely not work success. Now, pretty much all I have is work success. I lost my H, my/his family, my favorite rituals/ pretty much everything, but oh aren't I a success at work! UGH, so what. It's a paycheck. I know I will rebuild. I think I expended a lot of emotional energy to get through the holidays unscathed and now I am feeling the numbness. I'm at this conference and a lot of nice interesting people are here and it takes everything to leave my hotel room. I feel old and uninspired. I don't envy the young ones though. Argh this is turning out to be a depressing post and I'm not even anywhere snowy and gloomy. The new years blues.
Maybe someday this will be a paean to NC Dbing in some way for some future me to find his or her life. I'd like that. For now, my life is heII. It'll get better, in its own way, I know. I spend way too much time in my head.
Ciluzen I got a chance to read your whole thread. You did great, and are doing great (should you see this). I could see me headed down the same path of never trying, no counseling, just the end. that is what is happening for me as well. You were a great help to see that possibility and how I can prepare for it. I am very grateful for your story of DBing in the face of never working on the M.
love to all
your favorite star