10 months since she said i dont love you (5)

[Natus]

A month since my last update.

Been away throughout Dec with S5 visiting my relatives all over UK. Went all the way from Scotland all the way down to plymouth and saw my cousins and uncles that i havnt seen in years. It was nice. Spent christmas and new year week at my gran mothers at Birmingham.

It was nice, i was content and happy, i think single fatherhood suits me. No roller coaster, no wondering. But in a way that maybe cause it was all an escape.

The last few days before coming back mood started to swing. Knowing that i have to handover S5 seems to always get on me.
So much so that i had a dream about her and in that dream she betrayed me again.

I bought gifts (got caught up in the christmass spirit) for S5 cousins both on my side and hers. They all live in the same house on her side as they all live in her parents house. Even bought her a book cause she had mentioned it previously before i left and i just happen to come across it. Almost bought pressies for her parents but thought better not, i have no issue with buying for the kids but buying for her parents would be too much since we are not together. Its not like they celebrate Christmas anyway.

Coconut, Im kinda convinced that she just offered it up as appeasement or a way to convince herself she tried. Im not touching that. If she really wanted to fix the M than maybe. I havnt seen anything to date from her in that regards.

So to sum up. Still in limbo but preparing myself for a life without her. Would be so much easier without S5. I dont miss her anymore but i hate that my little boy's family is split.

Got to admit though hes taking it so well. He is joyful and happy. Doesn't seem to ask where is mommy even though we were away for 3 weeks. Maybe because daddy spoils him. Just hope hes not bottling it all up. He is so young and does not quite understand whats going on yet but he will get older and i know it will crop up at.