MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year

[Gordie]

So what are your questions?

Here is what I see in many newcomer men who have a WW. He says this or that seems to work good, and he doesn't understand why he should change it if his WW likes it. I see it as really being what the LBH wants, and he doesn't want to give it up. I have seen many couples who had a friendly relationship and continued doing everything they had always done together. Most cheaters can participate in the MR......while conducting an affair. As long as the H goes along for the ride, then she is more than willing.....just as long as she have the OM, too. That seems to be the case with you.

Exactly what in the MR has changed for her? She continues to benefit from the M and have an A. Why would she give up either one? IMHO, you should not act as if nothing has happened.....b/c it certainly has. Your W is in an EA, and emotional affairs are very powerful and addictive. For you to continue as though she is not cheating, hints strongly that you are co-dependent in this relationship.

It is not enough to tell her that having an A with another man is not acceptable. Your actions have to tell her that you will not abide in a MR of three people. Your actions have to tell her that she doesn't get the date nights, the ILY, sex, etc., when she defiles the MR.

You need to wake up, Gordie. Stop playing along in her game. I am not saying you need to run out and file for D. There are other steps you can take first. You need to set boundaries and be prepared to S or D if your W won't end her A.

If you had dropped her when you first discovered or was told about her A, I think it would have snapped her around. However, you have dragged it on and have continued rewarding her for emotional infidelity. A woman will not respect a man who rewards her bad behavior. You don't know how to detach and be warm?! Why are you concerned about showing her warmth? Come on, Gordie! She is cheating on you and wants another man!

Thank you sandi2. I took some time off from posting for the holidays, so here's a quick update:

W can't/doesn't want to pursue OM while still with me. To me, this one-sided fantasy EA is not as bad as a mutual EA or PA (though still bad). She still admits that the POM may not reciprocate (I sense there was something that may have happened between them, but I don't ask about the POM).

Thus, the holidays were all of us together as a family doing family things. It was a generally pleasant time for all. She initiated one R discussion. W is not a yeller, but she decided to really let her anger out--and we both felt better afterwards (one of the issues in our R is that she doesn't feel heard). She actually asked me to let her go, to let go of the marriage...and I said yes, I'm letting you go, letting go of the marriage.

My vacation reading included two books recommended by the DB coach (5 Love Languages, How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About it) and one book about Codependency. Some of you asked if I was codependent and I honestly didn't know what that meant. Reading about it, I think I have some codependent tendencies, as does my W. I'm learning a lot about myself and my R with my W and others.

Logistical/legal stuff:

Her L advised her that I can stop paying her alimony if she co-habitates or marries. This scared her, as W and POM currently don't make enough money to support W's lifestyle.

W has moved away from wanting D to wanting S, not sure of all the reasons why, maybe a good sign, maybe just more advantageous to her from her perspective. I told W I don't want either, but won't stand in her way or drag my feet, so I have my follow-up appointment with my L to draft a S agreement.

Agree with all of the comments here that there is no path to R through in-house S, so after our S agreement is signed, I will move out. Part of me is dreading the S phase, but part of me is also looking forward to it.