I'm not sure how exactly, Lex. But probably the very first step is for you to stop defining your own life in terms of being a provider for your wife. You have to get to a place where you feel you want to be a partner, not a parent figure.
I really do think that the more she sees you as a Daddy figure, the less she'll be interested in you sexually. At least in a healthy sexual way.
And, conversely, healthy sexual dynamic can only come around if she sees you as a partner; and she herself feels like an empowered woman.
You've talked primarily about your wife in terms of sex. Other than sex, what do you like about her? What do you find interesting about her? What do you respect in her?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I'm not sure how exactly, Lex. But probably the very first step is for you to stop defining your own life in terms of being a provider for your wife. You have to get to a place where you feel you want to be a partner, not a parent figure.
I really do think that the more she sees you as a Daddy figure, the less she'll be interested in you sexually. At least in a healthy sexual way.
And, conversely, healthy sexual dynamic can only come around if she sees you as a partner; and she herself feels like an empowered woman.
You've talked primarily about your wife in terms of sex. Other than sex, what do you like about her? What do you find interesting about her? What do you respect in her?
I love her creativity and her forthrightness. I love her intelligence and I love conversing with her on any topic. I love her way with our children. I love her companionship and her energy to get out and do things in the world. She has gotten me out of the house and into great experiences with us together many times that I might otherwise have missed. I love her humor and I love watching horror movies with her. Before I met her I hated horror movies but over time she got me into them and I came to see the pleasure in watching them together.
I admit it scares me a little because I'm afraid that she will use her gained financial independence to leave me. But, I love that she is working on that and I have conquered my fear of this and done what I could to help her without taking away any of the credit from her. I love seeing her turn her art into money which she is beginning to do. This is a huge challenge that she is overcoming and I am impressed.
When I read this back to myself I get then sense that I should learn to forget about sex and just thank my lucky stars that I have such a great companion. But, that seems like a cop out to just give up on that part of life which I also love.
She is a good woman and I have many reasons to love her beyond sex.
I've noticed the wife is loving on me more than before but we are entering the next (probably long) period of no sex. I'm going to concentrate hard on being ok with this and happy on my own. I realize I am lucky compared to many on this forum. I have read all of the situations and many are pretty rough. My heart goes out to you all. I hope that I can eventually be wise enough to say something helpful in other threads. I feel like a kid with this stuff sometimes. Learning as fast as I can.
You've said before that if you were to die in a car crash, your W would be very capable of supporting/running the family.
If she's so capable... why is she not pulling her weight now?
I know my wife feels the need to accomplish some independence. However, I think you might be underestimating her contribution. She takes good care of the kids while I am gone and she does the laundry and some occasional housecleaning. She also works hard at producing art and promoting herself. This was never the part of our life that I had a problem with.
The problem is our loss of connection and her fantasies about OM.
I can't force her to drive or cook. She shows no interest in these things. I doubt that it would help her independence needs even if she did them.
So on one hand I agree with you. She feels like she is dependent on me and it's not a good feeling for her. On the other hand, more housework won't change that. It will probably just make her feel more trapped as it cuts into her moneymaking time.
I am not now, nor have I ever, blocked her from household contribution. I can tell by the way she talks that she knows that she is on the low end but she also thinks that her household contribution is adequate if only barely.
I don't think my path back to a loving wife lies through housework.
Having her pull her weight is about her knowing what life would be like if you weren't there doing everything for her. She may not show interest, but I am not interested in my housework either, lol. It's got to get done because I am the only one who can do it. I would love for someone to drive me to work and the store, but I am the only one to do that.
And there is soooooo much truth to what FG said regarding seeing you as a daddy figure and being able to muster up sexual attraction to you. I know this almost for a fact from someone close to me.
Having her pull her weight is about her knowing what life would be like if you weren't there doing everything for her. She may not show interest, but I am not interested in my housework either, lol. It's got to get done because I am the only one who can do it. I would love for someone to drive me to work and the store, but I am the only one to do that.
What does she feel like she dependent on you for?
From observing her and listening to things she has told me over time I believe she sees the solution as making her own money. That might end up not working for her perhaps but she definitely sees that as her path right now. When we were talking about her independence needs once I pointed out that making money wasn't the only way to be fulfilled, that many people who did not make money were still very accomplished and she shrugged it off.
She just recently made some money from a gallery show and she squirreled it away in the house in case. She doesn't even seem to have a plan to spend it on anything. seems like it's making her feel good just to have it. I figure that won't save her long term but she definitely sees it as a good think for her right now.
[quote=ForGump]I don't think my path back to a loving wife lies through housework.
I agree. The focus shouldn't be about doing specific house chores. It should be on being mature and independent. Is money the only reason she feels dependent on you? If she made a similar amount of money as you, would you then have a fairly equal power partnership?
The power/dependency dynamic may not be the only issue in your marriage, but I think it's an important one.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
[quote=ForGump]I don't think my path back to a loving wife lies through housework.
I agree. The focus shouldn't be about doing specific house chores. It should be on being mature and independent. Is money the only reason she feels dependent on you? If she made a similar amount of money as you, would you then have a fairly equal power partnership?
The power/dependency dynamic may not be the only issue in your marriage, but I think it's an important one.
Yes, if she was making an amount of money that could minimally support her then I believe she would feel better about herself. she has almost said as much at times. but I can't make this happen. she has to do that so I have to operate in the now with what I have to work with.
In my opinion, I do more housework than her but not really by a huge amount and it never bothered me anyway. I didn't mean to distract the conversation towards this.
I'm much more concerned about the OM and how to handle it. He is a fantasy now but if he offered my wife alone time with him she would take it. She told him in an email last week that email is hard and if she had some alone time she had good things to tell him that she didn't want to type(he did not reply to this and he won't talk to her on the phone though she has tried that as well). It's lack of opportunity that is stopping her, nothing else. He communicates with her just enough that she can keep the fantasy going. I know that him using her art on his facebook page really flatters her as well.
This week she has been really lovey with me. It is 100% initiated by her. But, at bedtime she goes cold fish. I do not initiate at all. Is she testing me? Is she warming up to me? Am I overreacting about the OM? I don't think I am but the loving during the day tempts me to keep waiting and see what happens.
She has always been really straightforward with me but now that she is hiding the extant of her emailing I wonder if she is temp checking me to see if she still has me or if she is truly warming up again.
The chance that I am going to blow outing her and her EA are really high.
