Starting this new year in a slump. I want to feel light and free, but instead I feel heavy and depressed. I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation regarding living arrangements and finances. I don't really see an answer. I'm sick Over the lawyer fees. And I'm wondering if my ex was right..,that we should have went through mediation. I'm regretting not going with a less expensive lawyer.
I feel like I'm recovering from a really stressful past few months and it's hard to get back on the horse. I don't really have any clear set goals that I feel good about. I'm just getting through one day at a time.
This will be the year the divorce is settled though. My ex seems so damn pleasant. I don't trust him or his pleasantness. And I wonder if my current state proves that I am the negative, vindictive, depressed individual that he got away from.
Keeping time for myself on New Years eve felt good though. Asking for expenses husband owes me feels good too. I remember back on BD how much I was trying to appease him and how selfish he was being. I remember his resentment and anger too. And now the pleasantness he exhibits is confusing. Like he's so happy to be moving on with his life. Like he was never that person he was during and before BD.
As I've said before, I don't want him back. I'm physically and emotionally repulsed by him and the way he treated me before and when he left. I mirror him and keep things polite and professional. Perhaps I over dramatize interactions with him...to tell myself, yup this is that person that treated me the way he did.
I still feel traumatized by the way he was before and after he left and I have trouble letting it go.
