I have had several days to process the latest developments and I must say, it is so much easier to distance myself from H when I look at the big picture. He is lying to everyone in his life. Including OW.

With all the lying and manipulation they do, how do they live with themselves? I am sure there is a lot of justification, denial, and compartmentalization going on, how else could they do it?

I have decided to go very dim. I feel going dark would be too antagonistic because we still live under the same roof. Over the New Year's weekend, I took son to an indoor play gym (just him and I, no H) because it was pouring rain on Saturday. As I was putting shoes on son, H hung around a little too long, seemingly waiting for an invite. I ran some errands afterwards, including picking up a bourbon my sister introduced me to. I felt like such a bad parent for dragging my 18 month old through the Total Wine store (or maybe that makes me a parent who knows how to stay sane?). Lol!

On New Year's Day, son and I went on a hike with some friends. This group of friends are all dog owners. It made me miss my dog so much. Son went nuts when he saw all the dogs. He loves them so much.

I am waiting to see what happens with H before I decide to get another dog. Having a dog will reduce my housing options and so I am not ready to be tied down/limited like that just yet. I think I need a little more freedom. I hate that I have to put this aspect of my life "on hold." Perhaps there is another way for me to think about this?

On New Year's Eve we took son out to dinner. It felt weird for me. I did not like it. I did not like being there with H. I'm not sure I can do that anymore.

I am not sure if what he is doing fits the definition of cake-eating. Regardless, I feel like I am at the point where I have to start doing something different. Some of it is because I do want to give him a taste of what life will be like without me in it, but also because I don't like being around him all that much knowing what he is doing (lying, manipulation, cheating).

I would love some feedback, including 2x4s if necessary. Is it wrong to go dim for these reasons? Should I be looking at things from another perspective? Is there a consequence I should consider that I do not see right now?

I cannot believe this is the person he is now. It makes me wonder if he has been like this all along and I just missed it? I am also wondering if the cheating has been going on with other women and for longer than I know. If the M doesn't survive, it won't matter; but if it does, I might have to live with the fact that I will never really know. So I ask myself, could I live with that level of uncertainty about something so important.