Slowly losing my wife (2)

[ForGump]

we actually did have sex a few times but it was strange and forced on her part. the first time she was still mad at me the next morning and said she felt like someone was performing surgery on her, but not enraged like some of our past attempts. the second time when it was about to start she said "I will be mad at you in the morning. aren't you tired of all the pressure?" we did it anyway

This is going to come back and bite you in the @ss.

Your W is feeling pressured, forced and angry. She might initiate sometimes, and some/all of this might be reasonable or not, but she doesn't have a good grasp of what she wants, and she's feeling coerced into having sex with you, maybe not all of the time, but some of the time.

And like I said, it's going to come back and bite you in the @ss. She's going to hold this against you.

This dynamic between you two ... it's like you saying "you got her pregnant." She ain't no 16 year old child. She's a full grown woman, a partner in a marriage. She sees the sex as something you're doing to her. It should be something you do together, willingly, as partners.

You also talk about "taking her to CA." It's like you're the Dad, and she's the child. And if she doesn't get what she wants, she blames the parent. Not healthy -- not for your W, not for you.

I'm sorry Lex, but I don't see any of this getting better until/unless you address this dynamic. Your wife has to grow up, stop being a victim, and stop blaming you for all that's dissatisfying in her life; and you have to stop being co-dependent on her neediness. You said you have no leverage -- that is exactly the condition I am talking about. You have no leverage because you are co-dependent on her pathological immaturity.

You say you're not going to "take her to CA." But you're doing everything else for her. Never mind vacations. Who's putting a roof over her head? Who's putting food on the table? Who pays for her health care? Who is taking care of the kids? Who buys her art supplies? Who's driving her around? Taking her to CA is almost irrelevant, compared to everything else you do for her.

I am living through much of a similar dynamic, so I say all of the above as much for me as for you. I think your W -- like mine -- hungers to be independent and empowered. Even if they are afraid to take steps to do it.