Why are you pushing to have sec when you know it's only making things worse? SHES tired of all the pressure and you just keep on applying it.
because I gave her 3 months of no pressure and nothing changed. because some minimal amount of physical love is part of a healthy relationship.
physical love that has to be pressured, isn't enjoyed, and angers your spouse is not a part of a healthy relationship.
Your relationship is not healthy right now. This is probably making it unhealthier. The other parts of your relationship need ot get healthy before this part does.
This has to do more with your physical needs than having a healthy relationship. It will set you back rather than move your forward in salvaging the marriage.
Why are you pushing to have sec when you know it's only making things worse? SHES tired of all the pressure and you just keep on applying it.
because I gave her 3 months of no pressure and nothing changed. because some minimal amount of physical love is part of a healthy relationship.
physical love that has to be pressured, isn't enjoyed, and angers your spouse is not a part of a healthy relationship.
Your relationship is not healthy right now. This is probably making it unhealthier. The other parts of your relationship need ot get healthy before this part does.
This has to do more with your physical needs than having a healthy relationship. It will set you back rather than move your forward in salvaging the marriage.
Fair enough. I will continue to try and ignore my needs. After 3 months I missed her so badly that even second rate sex was worth it to me.
I should mention that she initiated the first sex. I did not pressure her. she was rubbing me and even tugged at me to get on top of her. It would have been crazy to refuse her after 3 months off.
I initiated the second time but considering how the first time went ok I thought it would work out. It kind of did work out. Just not as well as I would have liked.
Why are you pushing to have sec when you know it's only making things worse? SHES tired of all the pressure and you just keep on applying it.
because I gave her 3 months of no pressure and nothing changed. because some minimal amount of physical love is part of a healthy relationship.
As ginger said, your R isn't healthy right now. Sounds like your thought is that being physically intimate will repair your R. For her, it works the opposite - being physically intimate is expression of her being in a healthy R. So every kiss or touch or other physical act just reminds her of the unhealthiness.
Why are you pushing to have sec when you know it's only making things worse? SHES tired of all the pressure and you just keep on applying it.
because I gave her 3 months of no pressure and nothing changed. because some minimal amount of physical love is part of a healthy relationship.
As ginger said, your R isn't healthy right now. Sounds like your thought is that being physically intimate will repair your R. For her, it works the opposite - being physically intimate is expression of her being in a healthy R. So every kiss or touch or other physical act just reminds her of the unhealthiness.
point taken. we will be back to no sex now anyway I suspect. and I'm not pressuring her in an ongoing fashion. I just got excited because I thought we were coming together for a second there.
I swear it feels like she read my mind but we talked on the phone and she started a conversation about how she appreciated that I backed off trying to have sex with her last night. She said she just doesn't think about or want sex much at all anymore. I told her that I understood and reminded her that I had done my best to be compliant with that for many months now. I asked her if this state of things was ok with her and she said she was still taking it day by day with no forward thinking or plans at all. I told her that missing our connection was hard on me and she had no reply.
I believe her, I don't think she is lying to manipulate me. Things like this make me wonder if sending emails to celeb is a symptom or a cause. If it's a symptom then I should just back off sex and live my life and hope for the best, even if it takes a long time. If it's a cause then I need to stop it before she ever has any chance of coming around to loving me again.
once again I really have no idea how to go forward from here.
we actually did have sex a few times but it was strange and forced on her part. the first time she was still mad at me the next morning and said she felt like someone was performing surgery on her, but not enraged like some of our past attempts. the second time when it was about to start she said "I will be mad at you in the morning. aren't you tired of all the pressure?" we did it anyway
This is going to come back and bite you in the @ss.
Your W is feeling pressured, forced and angry. She might initiate sometimes, and some/all of this might be reasonable or not, but she doesn't have a good grasp of what she wants, and she's feeling coerced into having sex with you, maybe not all of the time, but some of the time.
And like I said, it's going to come back and bite you in the @ss. She's going to hold this against you.
This dynamic between you two ... it's like you saying "you got her pregnant." She ain't no 16 year old child. She's a full grown woman, a partner in a marriage. She sees the sex as something you're doing to her. It should be something you do together, willingly, as partners.
You also talk about "taking her to CA." It's like you're the Dad, and she's the child. And if she doesn't get what she wants, she blames the parent. Not healthy -- not for your W, not for you.
I'm sorry Lex, but I don't see any of this getting better until/unless you address this dynamic. Your wife has to grow up, stop being a victim, and stop blaming you for all that's dissatisfying in her life; and you have to stop being co-dependent on her neediness. You said you have no leverage -- that is exactly the condition I am talking about. You have no leverage because you are co-dependent on her pathological immaturity.
You say you're not going to "take her to CA." But you're doing everything else for her. Never mind vacations. Who's putting a roof over her head? Who's putting food on the table? Who pays for her health care? Who is taking care of the kids? Who buys her art supplies? Who's driving her around? Taking her to CA is almost irrelevant, compared to everything else you do for her.
I am living through much of a similar dynamic, so I say all of the above as much for me as for you. I think your W -- like mine -- hungers to be independent and empowered. Even if they are afraid to take steps to do it.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
we actually did have sex a few times but it was strange and forced on her part. the first time she was still mad at me the next morning and said she felt like someone was performing surgery on her, but not enraged like some of our past attempts. the second time when it was about to start she said "I will be mad at you in the morning. aren't you tired of all the pressure?" we did it anyway
This is going to come back and bite you in the @ss.
Your W is feeling pressured, forced and angry. She might initiate sometimes, and some/all of this might be reasonable or not, but she doesn't have a good grasp of what she wants, and she's feeling coerced into having sex with you, maybe not all of the time, but some of the time.
And like I said, it's going to come back and bite you in the @ss. She's going to hold this against you.
This dynamic between you two ... it's like you saying "you got her pregnant." She ain't no 16 year old child. She's a full grown woman, a partner in a marriage. She sees the sex as something you're doing to her. It should be something you do together, willingly, as partners.
You also talk about "taking her to CA." It's like you're the Dad, and she's the child. And if she doesn't get what she wants, she blames the parent. Not healthy -- not for your W, not for you.
I'm sorry Lex, but I don't see any of this getting better until/unless you address this dynamic. Your wife has to grow up, stop being a victim, and stop blaming you for all that's dissatisfying in her life; and you have to stop being co-dependent on her neediness. You said you have no leverage -- that is exactly the condition I am talking about. You have no leverage because you are co-dependent on her pathological immaturity.
You say you're not going to "take her to CA." But you're doing everything else for her. Never mind vacations. Who's putting a roof over her head? Who's putting food on the table? Who pays for her health care? Who is taking care of the kids? Who buys her art supplies? Who's driving her around? Taking her to CA is almost irrelevant, compared to everything else you do for her.
I am living through much of a similar dynamic, so I say all of the above as much for me as for you. I think your W -- like mine -- hungers to be independent and empowered. Even if they are afraid to take steps to do it.
So what's the way out? Should I stop taking care of her? That seems nuts. She is working on making her own money with my full support. I can't, by definition, make her be independent. Over the years I've encouraged her to drive the car and I've always supported her moneymaking attempts. I only want sex that we are both mutually coming together for but if she invites me after 3 months of no sex and then still feels coerced then how do I get out of this dynamic?
