I admit right up front that my game plan is poor and full of holes that she can and probably will exploit if I don't fix them.
The most important point, one that has been in my thoughts for the entire time, the thing that I have reflected heavily on and took a long time to arrive where I am now.
I don't think I am willing to leave her under present conditions. It hurts to say that but I am going into this conversation with a very weak position. If she really tests me I am going to fold. I don't know how long I could go under these conditions before I break, but it's a long time. My kids don't care if I'm having sex or not. I don't think this has any effect on them. We are giving them a great life so far and they are healthy and happy and I would suffer greatly to keep it that way for as long as possible.
Am I weak for this? Lacking in self respect? I really don't know. It feels wrong to be the one to break our family over this.
So, with no willingness to pull the trigger, how can I possibly negotiate? This is a totally weak position and any book on negotiating will tell you so.
So, with that out of the way, here is my current state-of-the-art approach to this.
I will tell her that I know that she is flirting. I will tell her that I know that it goes back to before I got her pregnant. I will point out that this is an affair in every sense of the word and the fact that he is not reciprocating is meaningless. I will tell her that she is hurting me and that I want her to stop immediately and work on our marriage together with me. If she refuses to stop then I will tell her that it is the beginning of the end for us and that I will no longer help her do anything that is related to him. (This would include helping with her art business, and canceling a planned trip to California this summer. she will be very angry about the trip as has sister lives there as well and she will not be able to see her. I can't take her to CA under these conditions though because we would have lunch with celeb while we were there and she is really looking forward to that) If she really pressed me, and she probably will, I won't hide the truth. I will admit that I won't leave her and that I will go as far as I can bear but that I will be hurting the whole time and at some point I will eventually seek separation.
Considering how weak this is, am I better off waiting until I have a change of heart? Is it wise to wait until I am so hardened that I would be willing to leave her?
Currently, I am planning on outing her anyway. I will not let myself back down. I am very thankful for everyone's help and I plan to read and reflect on every response before I pull the trigger.
A final thought. If there were no kids in the picture, I would leave her for a refusal to stop. I know that I would. I have mourned the loss already and I know that I would be ok on my own. But, in my eyes, my best future is with her if she will have me.
