My problem is, that I have a fear that my W does not love me. It took me some thinking to get to what my problem "is". I never feared that my W would leave me before the A, now I know our R is fragile... My W said this will never happen again. And I believe she means it today. But now I have learned that "all" relationships are fragile.... So even though today, my W says and does a lot of good things, I now "know" that our R is fragile---thus the fear.
I am not getting comfortable with this realization. And it will be ok.
I wonder if your H now has a fear (and he may not have realized it yet) that you may not love him in the future... so even though you are doing all the right things... this fear is causing him to behave poorly.
I think it is hard for a man to say "I have a fear that you do not truly love me or you will not fully love me tomorrow..." so I am acting like a jerk to protect myself....
Just some ideas....
He hasn't said it in those exact words, but he has said he is afraid I don't love him anymore, that and that he believes this will happen again. I do love him more than anything, but on the other hand, I can't live the rest of my life or even a long time with him talking to me this way. Him acting that way doesn't make me want to love him more and I do try to put myself in his shoes. Does that make sense? For example, the other day I told him I loved him so much in a text. He never responded then had some cruel words for me that night. The next time I wanted to say I love you, I stopped myself because I didnt want to deal with or hear any harsh words again. At the same time, I know this is exactly what I did to him. I hurt him and betrayed his trust, yet I'm wanting him to still love me and show me he loves me. That takes some vulnerability on his part...opening himself up to someone who he knows has the ability to hurt him.
I'm not excusing his words and lately its gotten better. I tell him we're either moving our R in a positive direction or negative. I'm not telling him he doesn't have the right to be angry or feel hurt anymore and that we need to forget this, but that his words aren't helping the situation, only making it worse.
Your W sounds a lot like me. All I can say, is if she's still there, she still loves you. That is all I can tell my H when he says he's afraid I don't love him anymore and that I will just do this again. If I wanted out, I would have used this as an excuse to leave. Instead, I'm sticking around and dealing with the consequences for my wrong and trying to make it right.
