I think the main thing that I have realized over the holiday is that the W has compartmentalized our relationship. We had a great holiday. Took the kids to an indoor water park for xmas and my mother visited for a few days after that. Went downtown and celebrated new years and took the kids roller skating the next day. All of this went really well and my day-to-day life is very good. any external observer would think that we have a great relationship.

At night I'm still informed that "it's different now" and "I don't think I like sex anymore" She will turn away from my kissing and tell me that I am being weird if I try to be physical with her.

I feel somewhat insane about this. Like maybe I should be accepting of this situation. I have reached a kind of acceptance of loss but I have a low grade sadness that is with me everyday.

we actually did have sex a few times but it was strange and forced on her part. the first time she was still mad at me the next morning and said she felt like someone was performing surgery on her, but not enraged like some of our past attempts. she cooled off and we kept the good times going for the holiday. the second time when it was about to start she said "I will be mad at you in the morning. aren't you tired of all the pressure?" we did it anyway and finished very quickly in stead of taking a long time like usual and she was ok with that. not mad in the morning but clearly both attempts were fun but unfulfilling for us both.

she is still emailing her celeb "friend" and she still does not know that I am aware of it. many of the emails are ok, the kind of stuff you would send a friend but they are always signed "love" and she peppers them with reminders that she is thinking about him all the time. occasionally she sends a more suggestive email. once she offered him erotic art (he ignored the offer) and another time she wrote him a poem and sent a pretty suggestive drawing(also ignored) His replies always remain businesslike and related to the co-promotional stuff that they are doing. A few times in the past she wanted to talk to him on the phone but he would not do that either. One of the emails absolutely confirmed that she started being flirty with him about 3 months before I got her pregnant. So she will want to blame me and the pregnancy for out trouble but clearly our problems go back further than that.

So that's where it's at. If I was a robot who didn't want sex or love I could have a great life. to bad I am not a robot.

I guess it's time to bring the letter writing out in the open and see what happens. I do not feel prepared to do this but I guess I'm going to have to make things worse for some hope for them to be better.

I will detail my game plan for talking to her in the next post.