A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[roist]

PacLove,

I have a few thoughts on your recent postings. I have not read back very far but have read your threads early on, so if I miss something bear this in mind.

1. Early on I thought you had a great chance at turning your situation around. I am glad to hear that may be the case.

2. You mentioned she ended A and AP wanted more. She decided this wasn't for her. That is great BUT is not the same as her committing to M. Until that commitment is there you are not piecing IMO.

3. Maybe you came across as bitter with your boundaries. Maybe you could have put them in place in a kinder way. I like that you shared your observations to help others. Whereas I agree it is best to avoid bitterness and resentment, I would not focus too much on what she thought about it. A boundary is about you. Plus the more she disliked your boundary the more effective it is . I do not mean that consequences should be aimed to displease WAS but the less things go their way, the more it makes them reflect and think.

Even if you were bitter, it is better than being a doormat.

4. I agree with being/acting in a kind way, but disagree that we have to show them that we still love them. There are exceptions to this but once there is an A and a S, they need to see you move on and hence not be shown that you still love her.

5. Thread very slowly now. Do not ask her home. When/if she asks, take time again to reflect. Firstly to be sure but also so W knows it is not automatic that she can move back. Reflect now about your boundaries for such a scenario and be clear about them with her.

Unfortunately this is a slow process and I have observed many times on this forum that people who reconcile too quickly tend to split again later. Better to take it slow and steady.

I hope this comes across as helpful. Much of it was written so newbies reading your thread don't misinterpret some points. I wish you luck and am truly happy for the positive turn. Many vets warn that now is when the hard work starts. Be ready. This will not be easy but you can do this.

Best wishes