Good job on enforcing the boundary of being spoken to with respect. That's a good example.
Also nice that you are getting into things you used to enjoy.
Sleeping and feeling better physicallly is always good!
Keep up the good stuff!
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
I took the kids bowling on Friday night with my cousin. WH was home when my cousin stopped by and WH offered him some take out he brought home. Cousin sat with WH and they chatted about work and then we left for bowling, I invited WH before I left but he just mumbled "No." Kids, cousin and I had a great time.
The next morning WH came to me and said he wanted me to start telling him when I was going to take the kids out because he had plans for them (pick up fireworks). I told him I texted last week but received no response. WH said he worked very hard so he could get off early and spend time with kids and came home to an empty house. (welcome to what divorce would mean) I validated but told him we both needed to alert the other about plans for the kids. He was very hard and bristling with anger, I have no idea why. But he agreed to let me know plans and I would do the same. For the rest of the day he would let me know when he was leaving and when he would be back. I took the kids to the park and we had a blast.
Last night WH bought a LOT of fireworks and asked me, "Are you going to stay inside or come watch the fireworks?" (I find it humorous that he is so passive aggressive he can't just come out and ASK me directly if I want to join the family watching fireworks. I came out a but later with the baby and watched some fireworks, the baby was nervous and kept fussing. WH asked to hold him and I took over lighting the fireworks. I got so caught up in doing it I was laughing and squealing with the kids. There was one particular one that was AWESOME and WH went out and bought some more. Eventually the kids became cold and tired so we did the "grand finale" and I took them in and put them to bed. Seems WH went back to radio silence. All in all it was a good New Year's eve, hope all my DBing friends had a great one!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Happy New Year Sara. It's going to be a great year... We have the power to make it so... 2016 provided us with the lessons and challenges we needed so that we can make the New Year ours as we take action on it all.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
You are starting to have your life back... so happy for you and your children, is mom is happy, the kids are happy.
It seems that your husband is starting to feel left aside, good, it gives him a taste of the single life, but apparently it is not very satisfying... he is starting to see a change in you. He is losing control and it doesn't please him, most probably he assumed all these past months that you were a safe plan B in case plan A won't work (separation, OW), he assumed you were not going anywhere, you were too attached to him, he just had his snap his fingers to keep you as a "good wife". The control he had is slipping away and he is seeing his kids and you having a good time away from him. Don't expect him to communicate with you, he is most probably in the Depression/Withdrawal stage if he is done with replay, so stay away... the more you will push him the more he will go away. Mine is still in it but with MLCers the progress are very slow and very subtle and very often it is 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. Nerve wrecking that's why GAL, Detaching, Going dark, Boundaries are crucial for our sanity.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
WH sat down this afternoon and said he will be going to a lawyer and filing for divorce. He said he doesn't want to stay in a marriage where he argues everyday and is miserable. I validated and said he could do whatever he wants, I cannot stop him. WH then said he would probably need to live with me and the kids until the divorce was complete, I told him that was fine. I calmly went over some figures with regards to child support and then helped DD6 with her homework.
WH had gone back to his office and was playing video games. I told him I was going for a drive and then left for 2 hours.
I am in a bad way right now. I do not want a divorce but I am hitting a wall here. WH has turned into a monster and if he decides to drop the axe I will seek sole physical custody of the kids, I don't trust him to be consistent with them. Putting space between us simply escalated him to go for divorce. I even purchased an E-book by another author who also says he has the formula for saving marriages when they've been broken. Turns out he is just regurgitating DBing techniques. I really want to just curl up and disappear right now.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Hi Psysara, Haven't posted to you, but have been following along. I'm sorry to read of this new development. It stinks.... You've proven time and time again that you can handle anything that gets thrown your way. What I hear all the time, is that they need to see the d through in order to realize what they've truly lost. We'll never know for sure the outcome.... But I can't imagine you'd want him in the state that he is right now so all you can do is look after yourself and your kids. Take care of yourself during this difficult difficult time.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Sara, I am so sad for you. I am truly amazed how you reacted to that news. I would like to give you a big hug, it's ok to cry... it's ok to feel down...it hurts so much.
Contact yourself a lawyer but don't tell him anything, starting now keep your cards for yourself, advice given to me by a very dear friend (Insha Allah to her), don't believe any of his promises unless they are on papers and signed in front of a judge (her husband cut his kids' phones, credit cards and stop paying for their medical schools the day after his got his divorce, he "loved his kids"). Keep all the messages and keep a journal about his interactions with the kids, you need to protect yourself.
Don't file yourself or assist him if you don't want one, let him do the work! There is no magic potion. It will get worst before it will get better for a few months. He had already that idea of divorcing. Stop blaming yourself, mine started to say very mean things to me "it will never work out between us, I will move out soon" every time we had what he called an "argument", which was more "sorry I disagree, please don't talk that way to me", after he realized I was not going to be a mat anymore, I was not going to let him control me and the kids the way he wanted. I stood (while crying in the shower), but I didn't back up, he is still at home. That's just a game they are playing with us. Remember they are lost and they need to find a way to blame us, if he really cared for you at that very moment he will try to communicate more not to mumble while being adressed... Remember he is the one who cheated. He is the one who decided to hurt his family. Stop blaming yourself..
Don't expect him to be nice with you, that's where the boundaries are for, specially if he wants to keep living with you until the divorce. He might get nice sometimes but then be very careful, usually that's when they are looking for something or just doing a touch and go, to evaluate where we stand. Testing also their power. Let him have the space he needs but don't accommodate him, he needs to figure out how to live by himself (laundry, cooking, cleaning, groceries... he wants a single life, ok, ) and let him have the 3 kids a full day without you (reality check), establish a schedule (inform him by email/messages so it is traceable.)
Good night dear Sara,
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I think you are doing great and have so much on your plate. The one thing that I recommend is to stop sending the thank you texts. Detaching is way hard but stopping behaviors like that is the first step.
Why? As long as the "thank you" text doesn't devolve into something harmful, it is actually a great example of ignoring bad behavior and reinforcing good behavior.
Sara, if you are the type of person - or want to become the type of person - who is grateful and thanks people for treating you well and doing nice things for you - and it doesn't set up anything detrimental in your life - then keep it up.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
