Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[sandi2]

I'm not Patient Man, but I would like to respond. First, let me make clear that the 37 rules are not to be applied when reconciling the MR. They were intended for confused LBS newcomers to have some quick tips in do's and don'ts when they first arrived on the forum. They are not designed to use during reconciliation/healing of the MR. I have yet to see a brand new, first time newcomerarrive here during reconciliation period. Instead, they arrive in crisis. But just in case there are any reading who are in the R stages of their M, I wanted this clarified....as I have tried to do in the past.

#5 - If the WS wants to talk about the future, make plans etc? It is OK, to have these conversations hen, or should it be a case of applying listening but not positively engaging in the plans, or even saying that I am not in a position to make future plans at the moment, much as I would like to be able to?

Rule #5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject

If you'll notice, some rules are aimed in showing the LBS how to not pursue. #5 is such a rule. Many a desperate newcomer LBS will talk about future plans, in an attempt to positively impress the feelings the other S has about ending their M. If the WS initiates the conversation, then treat it as any other relationship temperature testing from your WS.

#15 - I normally was not one for starting conversation, and it is a bone of contention. I would have assumed that I should, as part of DBing, start to make more of an effort to start conversation, and that was what I initially was doing. But this seems at odds with the tough love approach.

Rule #15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.


This one seems to be misunderstood by several posters in past times. I tried expounding on this one the most, and maybe that is where I made it more confusing, IDK. This is another rule to show the LBS how to not pursue. Some LBS's are really big talkers, and many talkers will start and extend conversations, b/c they use it to pursue the OS. Just like a phone call where the LBS often tries to find anything to keep the call going.....it is a form of pursuit. If the OS initiates the conversation, be polite and listen, without offering opinions. Use this time to validate, if OS is not talking about AP or disrespectfully spewing at the LBS. If no jabboring from the LBS is new and strange to the OS....they might ask, "What is wrong with you? Are you mad? Are you pouting?" If they ask what's wrong, then the LBS should quietly say he is just listening...or whatever answer seems more appropriate without causing argument.

#18 - just a note here. Being cold was what was coming across when I was trying to detach. Re-reading the 37 rules, I picked up on this, and can now consciously work on it. Emotional detachment, remaining close, not being cold.

Great!

#25 - I have been working on this, although difficult when she spews. Is this also still valid approach with WW?

Rule # 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying

IMHO, this particular rule is for those LBS'S who want to "explain" and "defend" their own actions, reasoning, intentions, etc. In their attempt to explain, they often will interupt, raise their voice to be heard over the OS, throw up their hands in frustration and exhibit other emotions...or ignore them while the OS is trying to speak. This rule is N/A for disrespectful speech/verbal abuse/ or spew slinging. When disrespectful speech or mannerisms enters into what the OS is saying, it is time to give them space, and not engage by further talk or listening.


I hope this helps.