By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Happy New Year everyone! I love the beginning of the new year, it always brings me a feeling of new beginnings and starting fresh. Part of that comes from putting all my Christmas stuff away and getting my home back in order!

I was able to take some time off here and there over the past 2 weeks while son was off school and that has been wonderful! We love our down time together, although we both tend to be quite the homebodies! I feel we needed the rest though, I am feeling recharged.

Bright, thank you for stopping by! Our H are still our friends, which makes the whole thing a bit tougher....but I think it's because of a special bond we have. My resolutions include anger management, my last blow up at H left me feeling emotionally drained, I want this venom out of me. I also want to direct more attention on me, with healing, by reading more, yoga, nature hikes. Additionally, I want to teach S that I am more than just mommy. I want him to see my other sides, a co-worker, a friend, and a woman with hobbies. This will mean dragging him out from time to time, but something tells me it's not good for me to spend all my time with him just doting on him. I want him to see there is more to me, and with him turning 10 soon, I think it's time.

Hey Cali, you are sounding good on your thread. I hope this year brings you good things.

Hi Bttrfly, funny you talk about releasing what no longer serves me. This continues to be my anger and resentments towards H. After Christmas, I started journaling my thoughts and feelings. It wasn't pretty at first, I listed all the things he did that hurt me so much, asking how he could be so cold?? It then turned into journaling the pain, the long term effects I continue to feel from it all. It helped to get it out, I am hoping it was a form of release, the pages will be burned in my fireplace soon. It all comes down to needing to see he is sorry for the pain he caused me. I need to hear it, in words. His actions seem to show it at times, but I need more. If that never comes, we will remain friends on a superficial level, for our son.

Hi Sotto, spending time together is definitely good for my son and it's nice to hear your support. I recall an attorney, a therapist and friends telling me it's no good. It's fake family time, not good for my son, but I beg to differ. We spend time together laughing, playing, with a genuine love and caring surrounding us. That's pretty real to me. I see a different side of my son when H is here....he interacts more, he wrestles and plays, his goofy side comes out more, and he seems so happy. It's hard for me sometimes, but something I can deal with for S. I know he doesn't see H and I being affectionate, but I believe he does see a deeper love that is there, a result of 17 years in each other's lives, and a shared bond with him.

It's weird for me, the anger and resentments I only feel when H is not around. When together, it washes away, unless a trigger comes up, but overall you would never know those dormant feelings were there.

I planned a nice mellow New Years for S and I. Plans to make a yummy dinner and just hang out. I wanted to invite H, but couldn't bring myself to. If he answered saying he had plans, I would have felt weird, so I figured I would wait to hear from him. Friday night, he texted asking if he could spend New Years Eve with S and I. So he came over, brought dessert, and we had a wonderful dinner. We watched the New Years shows together and just talked and joked around. Son decided to go to bed at 11:00 and wanted us all to lay with him, so we all, dog included, piled into S full size bed and immediately fell asleep! I eventually went to bed, but I woke up to H and dog still there with S in the morning. H complained of a horrible sleep. Unless you want to be smacked in the face by S while he sleeps, he is not a good bed mate. I told H, you should just go into the big bed (mine) next time. He agreed.

We all got up and had breakfast. S winter break is coming up in February and I want to take us to the snow to Lake Tahoe, with dog in a pet friendly vacation home. H wants to come so we started looking at vacation rentals. We hung out for half the day, then H went home.

We are supposed to go on a hike all together today. I also joined a meet up group for the state park I enjoy, so I can go on group hikes and meet some new people.

Overall, I had a very nice holiday and am looking forward to a new year. I am excited to continue the work on me, and to see where it takes me.

Wishing you all the best in the new year. Xxoo