So just like the phrase goes with a WW/WAW/MLCr "Believe none of what they say and only 1/2 of what they do" ... this goes for us aswell .... Do not tell her anything .. JUST DO IT.
You don't GAL for her benefit. Everything I told you was for your benefit. You want out of limbo, I told you how. Let her go and move forward with living life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree about the detaching part, I know it needs to be done. I'm just not sure how to do it. I also agree that I need to stand up for myself, I suppose I am just afraid of the backlash.
I suppose the whole going dark thing also eludes me a little. Do I tell her that I need to go NC, or do I just start limiting communication until she gets the hint?
Your W is F*ing another dude and you're worried about the backlash!?!?!?! Seriously!??!?! You are cowering at the feet of your disrespectful W. How the hell do you expect her to respect you if you won't respect yourself!? She will NEVER come back to a man she can't respect. Time to man up. Drop her like yesterdays news and start moving on with your life. THAT is how you fight for your M!
You don't owe her an explanation for anything so NO, you do NOT tell her you are going dark. JUST DO IT!
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Yes I agree with the other posters here. Get in touch with some healthy self respect and put your foot firmly on the gas pedal of your own life. There are three main things you can do to stand for your marriage:
Don't file for D - unless you want to Don't date Keep the door open a tiny chink in the event she wants to reconcile at some point in the future
But I'm going to tell you this. If she is involved with OM, that is unlikely to happen any time soon, and you need to get yourself in a stronger place independent of her.
As others have said, don't SAY anything to her, just start doing some healthy things for yourself. You are moving forward with your own life because she is someone else's girlfriend right now. You are no longer in a R with her.
Now, if she asks you - do you want to D - you can tell her no, that's not what I want. But certainly don't be willing to put YOUR life on hold while she tests out life with a new partner okay?
So - enough of her...let's leave her be for now. We are on the cusp of a new year and I'd like to see you thinking about some early goals for yourself in 2017 my friend.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Oh, and I also wanted to say - someone once posted something along these lines...
This year will be one of the hardest in your life - it can also be one of the best years (or the worst) but that's really up to you.
Sorry for the poor paraphrasing here - but you have been given the gift of time to work on you. Yes it is an unwanted gift, but if you truly embrace it, it's a gift indeed....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
How do you guys do it!? How do you not retaliate? I am so tempted to go see her family and explain what she is doing as well as her close friends. Some people say this is a good idea while others say it isn't. I do feel like it would at least put pressure on her to see that what she is doing is wrong.
Telling certain people can hurt chances for reconciliation. The other thing to consider is that they may even take their side. I get that the situation is desperate but you have other cards to play.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
How do you guys do it!? How do you not retaliate? I am so tempted to go see her family and explain what she is doing as well as her close friends. Some people say this is a good idea while others say it isn't. I do feel like it would at least put pressure on her to see that what she is doing is wrong.
I was tempted to expose the A to my W's family and came very close to doing it. But in the end, I didn't and today I'm glad I didn't. This is a private matter between you and your W. Bringing family into the mix likely won't help the situation and probably will make it worse. You have to take the high road here. You have to be able to do the things that your W can't or won't do. You have to set the example. You have to be the lighthouse.
Sotto gave you some really good advice. Follow it. Stand up for yourself. Find your inner strength. Dont let her trample all over you. Detach, 180 and GAL. Stop spying on her and put ALL of your attention on yourself.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
How do you guys do it!? How do you not retaliate? I am so tempted to go see her family and explain what she is doing as well as her close friends. Some people say this is a good idea while others say it isn't. I do feel like it would at least put pressure on her to see that what she is doing is wrong.
One does it by making the choice to not retaliate... Temptation is not a good feeling to follow in most cases... Many here would say it is not a good idea because you are not in a good place or mental state to handle the blowback... How has following your "feelings" been working out so far?
I beleive it is sandis tag line that says, it's not about doing what you "feel" works...it's about doing the work that gets the right results... Perhaps you should sit still for a spell, listen up to the wisdom you are being provided here and go against your " instincts" to do what has been proven in the actions of those that have gone through this before you.... You share a lot about what she is doing... What are you doing for yourself?
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
