Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Woke_Up]

Woke_Up
Don't make it easy but Rule No.1 (forever whilst you live together). NO ENGAGING IF SHE IS ESCALATING/RAGING/DISRESPECTING!!! Rule 2. Never fall foul on Rule No. 1.

Gotcha. Difficult. Last night she decided she was going to get drunk. Then asked me to come and have a glass of wine. I had 1, nursed very slowly. The conversation started with her saying "I miss you, BUT you have to stop being Victor Meldrew" - you can imagine the rest, more history re-writing, gaslighting. I managed not to engage, tried to validate without it degenerating into arguments or me having to leave. Didn't say sorry once. At one point I said this conversation is going nowhere and is getting pointless - it was heading towards personality deconstruction - her favourite technique. I did use Windsor Davies in my head, thanks for that

Do nothing with money until you have spoken to a L. If it looks controlling it will go against you.

Makes sense, and I did read about appearing too controlling by cutting off all finances.

In terms of rules around the house. I would be tempted to say, you can restrict yourself to whatever bathroom etc, but this is my house and I will treat it as such. I respect you and I expect you to respect me if you wish to live here.

That's a good way of dealing with it. I think what you say about taking time to think on what she says and then come back to it would also work, as thinking on feet when trying to keep emotions out of it is still difficult for me at this stage.

Observation on some quotes:

Basically, this is all about control.

Yeah, I get that - and it is one of the fundamental issues with our R, irrespective of where we are at now with the EA.

You read this book and now. You need to be able to define what is happening to you and really understand it before you can react. I suggest your objectives are:

1 - No confrontations - you are getting the hang of it; practice makes perfect but just walk away/put the phone down

2 - Read the book!!!

3 - Change all bank account etc passwords, this is good practice in any event and you can argue this is the reason for it in any event.

4 - See a L

5 - Keep doing what helps keep your 'head'. She is going to try and push you off course and you will not believe the tricks she will pull. DO NOT forget Rule No 1.

Good plan, thanks for the pointers. Banks are OK, as separate accounts anyway and business account is not accessible by her.

The underlined part, above, is concerning. I believe she may either become violent or try to make you sufficiently angry to be violent.

Yeah, that's my worry.

You will see from the book that WW's rarely change and mostly they escalate their behaviour until violence occurs (my W left soon after she could not control herself and had a violent outburst). You may need to start recording her when spewing etc. Read the book, it will give you guidance.

She was accusing me of trying to dictate things and control everything.

This is projection... There is possibly anger addiction going on too.

I haven't read on this yet, but from what you have said on this and other threads, I believe you are right. Thinking back, there are so many occasions where an argument has come out of nowhere, escalated into a blazing row, usually ending with her in the 'one up' position, or a draw at best, almost never with me in the one up position. Then next day, calm, affection, back to normal. Until the cycle repeats.

I tried to remain detached and not engage, give validation where I could, but it is difficult.

"There is no try, only do" - Yoda....seriously. Try all you want but if you do not abide by Rule 1, it could end up really nasty - even prison for you if she gets her way. I think if you were to be goaded into violence (and she will really try this) it would be her meal ticket. You must not ever, confront her.

told her I love her, but I am letting her go. I can't control her and don't want to control her.

Good, but drop the I love you statement. Also, now show her you are letting go (not of her but of the emotional attachment), be aloof, go out and have fun, just GAL.

Got it. I have stopped proactively saying it. She sometimes still tells me. Like this morning, she was being affectionate again, and asked me if I still loved her or words to that effect.

I have stopped saying this:

I repeated I was sorry

I'm noticed this and am working on it. Didn't quite have the nerve to use AndrewP's suggestion last night, but came close

This comment is testing the water, lining you up to say she expects to keep the house. You do not leave the house - even if it gets nasty.

Yes, I understand that. I've made it clear that it isn't financially viable for me to move out and still pay for everything, so in house separation is only possibility at the moment.

Look. Times are hard mate but things will improve in the New Year (but it may get a fair bit worse first). I expect your W may make a play for the house, may move out etc. Living in separate rooms for 2 years can count as separation also so it might be a longer slog! Separation sufficient to D that is.

This is where my sitch differs, as we are engaged but never got round to getting married. Both of us have been married before and didn't see the need to rush it. So there is no D. Only separation and then splitting of finances etc. Now, I know that OM is not around, as he lives in the States. However, I also know that he has got himself a passport, and she has been looking at flights, so I suspect at some point they will arrange to meet. I have made it clear to W that she will not have my permission to take D out of the country. If she has done her research she will know that she needs this, as I have parental responsibility. I also said I wouldn't let OM near my daughter, and that was why I had saved some of his messages to her where he was threatening to 'give me an ass whopping' I'm not particularly worried on this front, and TBH it was mainly bravado on my part, as I don't know whether i could keep him away, but it did get her worried that her little plans may not be plain sailing.

Thing is OM is not going to hang around for 2 years is he!!!

As there is no D, 2 years doesn't come into it - however they have now been in contact for 8 months, so I guess he is waiting for something. I'm beyond worrying about that issue now, as if he is stupid enough to believe the lies she is spinning him then I guess it will all come out in the end.

When I found out about OM I put a tracker in the car - had a spare iphone so did find my iphone. Not saying you should do this, but I would consider it. Why, because if you catch her in the 'act' with OM you can push for a D.

Again, not going to be an issue, although I did the whole paranoid spy thing, and was amazed by what hacking skills I developed in a very short space of time. Kali Linux and Youtube tutorials are a potent combination.

I know this is all very different to MWD's approach, but I do think you will find that your W is an Emotional Abuser and the book will trigger a lot of alarms. I don't believe there is any way back for them. Sorry.

I expect your W may not have ML with OM but she will work towards it IMHO. Women offer sex to get love.

I agree this may be on the cards once one of them decides to make the trip.

She may be doing this with words or even doing fairly graphic things online with him now.

Yeah, that has been done, discovered that fairly early on.

Either way, none of this matters as she has an OM (you know this) and she is currently involved with him. It is an A. The method of cheating is irrelevant.

This I know. The pain I felt at the discovery and ongoing was unimaginable. Only since discovering this forum, and some other similar self help methods, in the last 2 or 3 weeks, have I actually had any semblance of rationality. She continues to deny this. Likes to deny it is an affair, call it a friendship, buts little rabbit ears "inverted commas" around the word affair when she says it, and often tells me it could be worse, she could be in a PA. However I have told her that if it was a PA, I would have separated. I am clear on that as a boundary. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't work for a reconciliation at some point in the future, just that I wouldn't be subject to that in my own home.

Protect yourself and your kids and remember, your W is not the enemy. Her upbringing is. She is not a bad person, she is just a mixed up child that has not been able to mend herself.

Wise words. Thank you. One day, I will buy you a beer, which will in no way repay the gratitude I feel, but hell, we're men, and it's beer.

Now, time to find some space to read the book.