Sorry for the fragmented posting, but things keep popping into my head and I realised I wasn't clear in describing what I was thinking, about backtracking to the 180.
When I was doing the 180 from Sep to Nov, I didn't know about OW. Rather, I did know there had been an OW but he told me they decided to take a break until we sorted our marriage out. Which was obviously a big fat lie.
In these months (Sep-Nov) he was coming over a few times a week and we were spending time as a family with our son. I mucked up a few times and talked about R stuff, but on the whole it was nice. When I found out OW was still on the scene, I said he had to choose - he chose her. Since his choice, I've gone dark.
It's been 6 weeks of going dark and I've got his email yesterday which says he's confident divorce is the right thing for us and he's definitely not going to go back on this decision (should I give up?). Which makes me feel going dark hasn't worked.
So now I am wondering if I were to back track to the 180, which would be to do this:
- no R talk - no begging/chasing behaviours - agree to respectfully accept his decision to D (he complained I was v disrespectful) - be pleasant, lighthearted around him (have been avoiding all contact with him) - do not avoid him any more. For eg., on the nights he's been picking our son up I've been careful to stay away until bedtime is over, and as soon as I get home he rushes out the door. I am thinking I should do what I was doing in the 180 phase which was to be home prepping dinner (for both of them), being relaxed and happy, but no intiating any conversation - speak when spoken to kind of thing. - make eye contact with him - I haven't been able to look at him in the face. - respond to his texts. Even after he left me for OW he was sending me texts in a very conversational way, like 'Have a good trip', and making jokes about his car etc. - on the whole, just be more present instead of avoiding him completely and withdrawing no contact, and making all contact light and pleasant and innocuous.
I must admit part of the reason I want to do this is because I now feel the going dark has just handed him over on a plate to the OW. He has told me repeatedly that he craves comfort and that is what she gives him. I think by going dark I've just made him rely on her even more. And I must admit it gives me a sneaky pleasure to know that she will be mad as hell if she found out he was texting me in a friendly way.
Any advice would be so appreciated!!! Just tell me as it is - I need to hear it.
