Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Surfer]

Woke_Up

WW just came down and said she was going to move out of MBR, was ordering a new bed with an orthopedic mattress , so now had no money left (I paid her wages into her account yesterday, so now no money for food for January unless I find more funds, which she knows I will have to).

My W did this. Then complained about bad back, bed etc. She basically wanted to buy new furiture to take with her. She just bought it when she moved. Your W is working out a way to leave IMHO. Don't make it easy but Rule No.1 (forever whilst you live together). NO ENGAGING IF SHE IS ESCALATING/RAGING/DISRESPECTING!!! Rule 2. Never fall foul on Rule No. 1.

Do nothing with money until you have spoken to a L. If it looks controlling it will go against you. You can advise that you want her shareholding to change to the same salary but not a controlling shareholder - which is probably what it is. Ultimately, Post D, you could wind it up with a different co (almost identical name etc) and have a clean sheet but for now. Speak to L first.

In terms of rules around the house. I would be tempted to say, you can restrict yourself to whatever bathroom etc, but this is my house and I will treat it as such. I respect you and I expect you to respect me if you wish to live here.

Observation on some quotes:

Basically said I had treated her like a PoS for the last 6 years, said I was trying to dictate and control, and that she wasn't going to put up with me treating her like cr@p and telling her that she had to stop A before I would work on anything.

This is gaslighting. Ignore it all apart from the bit in bold. It might have been a good idea to say okay, what do you want me to work on. You could have done a quid pro quo and see if she worked on any of hers. Sadly however, I expect she is just trying to manipulate a control position. e.g. you ask her to do something (not contact OM) she is saying you don't control me, you can do something for me first (IDK what). She would see you doing this and then feel One Up (you being One Down). Basically, this is all about control.

She said she wouldn't sleep next to a (insert c-bomb here) and that she would be the bigger man and move room. She says she is switching bathrooms - the ensuite will now be the boys (it was previously the girls) and the boys would have to use the ensuite, as she wouldn't mop up pee after us and it was disgusting.

She wants to try and control again. "I" will move (I will do it not you dictating), "I" will be a man ("You are not"). It's all control and undermining. I am sure you see this. Does she expect you to think that this is normal. Blokes and kids miss the toilet. It's a fact. Yes, be careful, but it happens. Do all M's sleep in a separate room with a separate bathroom for this reason. Yes of course they do - my ar5e. Control.

So she says she is giving up 'her room' and 'her bathroom'. She couldn't stay in there with me as it would end up in a violent confrontation and she would need to put locks on and that was no way to live.

"She is" - statements of control. You must read the Verbally Abusive Relationship. You will need lots of ink in your pen. Forget what others say about reading and doing etc. You read this book and now. You need to be able to define what is happening to you and really understand it before you can react. I suggest your objectives are:

1 - No confrontations - you are getting the hang of it; practice makes perfect but just walk away/put the phone down

2 - Read the book!!!

3 - Change all bank account etc passwords, this is good practice in any event and you can argue this is the reason for it in any event.

4 - See a L

5 - Keep doing what helps keep your 'head'. She is going to try and push you off course and you will not believe the tricks she will pull. DO NOT forget Rule No 1.

The underlined part, above, is concerning. I believe she may either become violent or try to make you sufficiently angry to be violent. Either way its an intimidating position. Keep your cool.

You will see from the book that WW's rarely change and mostly they escalate their behaviour until violence occurs (my W left soon after she could not control herself and had a violent outburst). You may need to start recording her when spewing etc. Read the book, it will give you guidance.

She was accusing me of trying to dictate things and control everything.

This is projection. She has a controlling nature. She knows and does not like it. When she feel the control and anger she is not comfortable and takes it out on you - projects it. I kind of think of Harry Potter having a bit of Voldermort in him. The person with the projected part in them is the enemy as the Abuser hates that horrible part of them that they project into the victim. You are the Victim not the Abuser - but she hates the way she feels, her actions and the way she is treating you. But she can't control it. There is possibly anger addiction going on too.

I tried to remain detached and not engage, give validation where I could, but it is difficult.

"There is no try, only do" - Yoda....seriously. Try all you want but if you do not abide by Rule 1, it could end up really nasty - even prison for you if she gets her way. I think if you were to be goaded into violence (and she will really try this) it would be her meal ticket. You must not ever, confront her.

told her I love her, but I am letting her go. I can't control her and don't want to control her.

Good, but drop the I love you statement. Also, now show her you are letting go (not of her but of the emotional attachment), be aloof, go out and have fun, just GAL.

She said there would need to be rules in the house

. I would say happy to listen to her about rules at some point but rules are mutually agreeable, if not, then don't expect others to follow them. She is trying to dictate and control again. Don't let her. Be calm, if needs be, let her say her bit. Go calm down and perhaps drop in your statement a couple of days down the line when she is calm.

I have stopped saying this:

I repeated I was sorry

Used to do it all the time. It makes you look weak IMHO. Perhaps if you do its better to say I am sorry you saw it that way. Don't take any blame if you have done no wrong!

She also made comment about the study becoming my bedroom - as in that wouldn't be best if we decided to sell the house. Then she said it may not suit her sell the house, it may not be best for her and her children, if we separate. I said currently we would have to live in the same house as it was not financially viable to have separate houses.

This comment is testing the water, lining you up to say she expects to keep the house. You do not leave the house - even if it gets nasty. You could, but I don't think you should after this. She will spew as this is her goal. She will say at some point "Either you go or we go (My W added or we go to stay at MILs), which is it?". I just calmly said something like, "It sounds like you have at least 2 options then if you don't want to stay. This is your path, it's not my place to make decisions that would drastically change your life and the kids for the worse. I then walked off." She nearly set on fire I recall.

Look. Times are hard mate but things will improve in the New Year (but it may get a fair bit worse first). I expect your W may make a play for the house, may move out etc. Living in separate rooms for 2 years can count as separation also so it might be a longer slog! Separation sufficient to D that is. I did the whole 2 years and more. She sent me a D letter which said we were separate. I contested her letter by saying, that's untrue, we eat dinner together every night. She may not be aware of this so do things together still. Cook dinner every night if she does not, if she does, eat it together. At some point she might stop all eating together, washing etc i.e. anything for you to be totally separate. My W did this. Thing is OM is not going to hang around for 2 years is he!!!

When I found out about OM I put a tracker in the car - had a spare iphone so did find my iphone. Not saying you should do this, but I would consider it. Why, because if you catch her in the 'act' with OM you can push for a D. I couldn't prove anything, only she went to the town where he lived (whilst me, the kids and MIL and FIL were having a family time meal out!!!). I know this is all very different to MWD's approach, but I do think you will find that your W is an Emotional Abuser and the book will trigger a lot of alarms. I don't believe there is any way back for them. Sorry.

I expect your W may not have ML with OM but she will work towards it IMHO. Women offer sex to get love. She may be doing this with words or even doing fairly graphic things online with him now. Either way, none of this matters as she has an OM (you know this) and she is currently involved with him. It is an A. The method of cheating is irrelevant.

Protect yourself and your kids and remember, your W is not the enemy. Her upbringing is. She is not a bad person, she is just a mixed up child that has not been able to mend herself.

Surfer.