Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Woke_Up]

Update:

OK, I was about to post some suggestions here - including that I actually did move out to the study, as that would make it clear that we a separated and it wouldn't be hidden from view any more. It would have to be owned.

Also, yesterday, there was a lot of cake feeding, and she was affectionate, we actually ML in the morning and the evening. However, in my head it felt like I was saying goodbye.

Today:

Took SS to work at 9am, took D out to movies with her friends and 1 of the dads. Got back to find W seemingly asleep on sofa. D woke her up, and when I was saying something I said you were asleep. She denied it, then said how she had cleaned everything, taken dog out, picked up S from work. I was an Idiot, and Victor Meldrew (typical grumpy old man from British sit-com)

I said I wouldn't be called names, and if she wanted to talk we could do it without insults, but I wouldn't talk otherwise. She said I never talked anyway. I said I would work on it, but couldn't while she was in A. I'm not sure if I should be saying things like this. Anyway, I went out and put fuel in the car to prevent it escalating.

WW just came down and said she was going to move out of MBR, was ordering a new bed with an orthopedic mattress , so now had no money left (I paid her wages into her account yesterday, so now no money for food for January unless I find more funds, which she knows I will have to).

Basically said I had treated her like a PoS for the last 6 years, said I was trying to dictate and control, and that she wasn't going to put up with me treating her like cr@p and telling her that she had to stop A before I would work on anything.

She said she wouldn't sleep next to a (insert c-bomb here) and that she would be the bigger man and move room. She says she is switching bathrooms - the ensuite will now be the boys (it was previously the girls) and the boys would have to use the ensuite, as she wouldn't mop up pee after us and it was disgusting.

So she says she is giving up 'her room' and 'her bathroom'. She couldn't stay in there with me as it would end up in a violent confrontation and she would need to put locks on and that was no way to live.

I tried to remain detached and not engage, give validation where I could, but it is difficult.

She was accusing me of trying to dictate things and control everything.

She also made comment about the study becoming my bedroom - as in that wouldn't be best if we decided to sell the house. Then she said it may not suit her sell the house, it may not be best for her and her children, if we separate. I said currently we would have to live in the same house as it was not financially viable to have separate houses.

She said there would need to be rules in the house - I said we could agree ground rules. basically she said she was free to do what she wanted and to be in contact with whoever she wants. I said I know. I told her I love her, but I am letting her go. I can't control her and don't want to control her.

Then she said I always acted like I was doing her a favour if I did something with D. I apologised if it seemed that way. She said there I went again, being detached, not owning the action or acknowledging that was what I did. I repeated I was sorry and never meant to act as if I was doing her a favour.

Anyway, it ended with her saying that we could move the new double bed she bought a few weeks ago, but which now isn't good enough, into the shed, and move some other furniture around.

Anyway, that is where we are today.

Thoughts anyone? Go along with this? She is still trying to dictate around things like bathrooms. (The power shower is in the bathroom she will now take over, the bath/hand shower is in the ensuite. An annoyance but easily liveable with.

Still haven't seen L, will get a chance once we are into the new year.

There was a lot of projection, history re-writing, blame shifting - all the stuff you have warned me about, on display. She is still trying to call the shots.

Any ideas on finances? I can easily set up a new company, so I don't pay her wages or dividends, but then how do I go about providing her with some financial control - otherwise she would have nothing.

All bills come out of my account. We don't have joint accounts, fortunately. Mortgage is in joint names, and I think 1 utility bill and 1 bank loan. All others in my name.

Just after a sounding board at the moment. Thanks, fellow DB'ers.