Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Woke_Up]

Okay. Fired early and hadn't read everything.

Don't fret about the MBR row. Your D will remember of course. You must STOP all arguing in front of the kids. They learn how to interact from this.

Agreed. Will prioritise this.

Here is my prediction, your sitch follows mine so closely. Your W will eventually leave your house and take your kids (Me), possible vs she may get a shock and stay (see Sandi).

I can't see her leaving the house. She will fight to make me leave. I have however, given myself the headspace to realise that if I do leave (not planning on it, just IF), then I would take myself off all of the bills, and she would need to pick those up. The mortgage would be trickier. But it does mean that the finances wouldn't be so tight as I had feared, and she would get a wake up call on how much things actually cost, including the running of her car.

I do believe your W is abusive. Have you read the book on abuse yet? It may be physical, it may be FOO - frankly who gives a sh!t. It is what it is. My W's is FOO and potentially physical IMHO.

I agree. I haven't read it yet, but will start on Tuesday.

Fact is women who do this do it gradually but escalating quickly from the point they think they have your b@lls and you will never leave. It happens to good guys. I know you are a good guy also you are NOT a pu$$y. You are a good guy. Its her problem. Basically, it is very, very unlikely she will ever change. Sorry - read the book....

Right now, separate all finances. Hand her over to the OM and walk the fcuk away is my view - in your mind. You could actually do it, but like you, I couldn't because my kids were scared. Now, looking back at the point you are in, the thing that damages most is the arguing in front of the kids. If it is not possible to stop them hear M start to shout then exit, you must NEVER react (let them remember only her). Got to bed earlier etc. In time if they talk, they will talk about M's shouting. Don't let them remember yours. If it does not happen ever again, they can't remember it.

Separating the finances will be difficult. Walking away is difficult. I'll start a new post in a minute to explain what just happened and get some feedback.

W will try and goad you into physical abuse. You must not EVER take this bait. I have had this. The good thing about good guys is we don't hit women. The Verbally Abusive Woman preys on this security. It's win, win. She will escalate until the point she hits you or she goads you to do the same. My W got Physical then left. I never did. I couldn't.

Yes, I know.

You must walk at first sight of her picking a fight. Go to bed at 9pm, go for a run, a drive etc.

Did this earlier. came in, made what I thought was an innocuous comment about her being asleep on the sofa, she went off on how she had done everything around the house (she had cleaned up, picked up SS from work etc. while I had taken D out to cinema with her friends). Called me Victor Meldrew and an idiot. I simply said I wasn't going to spoken to like that, and would have a conversation of she wasn't insulting me. She responded that I never spoke to her and should make an effort. I said I would make efforts once she stopped A. She went off a bit more, I went out to put fuel in car.

Another warning, my W used to encourage me to drink (not bottles of whiskey but get a few in with friends). She did this so my guard was not rock solid. I would do what you did, I engaged. I learned quickly.

There are some dark days ahead mate. Sorry, but be prepared. Your armour is STFU. That's it.

She's currently telling me that I am detached, like a psychopath I am trying not to engage her.

Problem is, my W found an account in her name (rest tied down), with a lot of money in it (an ISA I set up for her, again tax efficient), she took that and ran. Okay not ideal, but I can handle that. See the abuse 'for the kids' stopped. For me it goes on. But with the book on abuse and other learning, I have more skills that Pele on acid!!! I am slowly going to close down the manipulation. V is amazing at this!!! She has has a much crazier WS than me and is a total genius on this. I am very much still learning. But she has helped me so much (V - if you are reading this - thank you so much!).

You must learn to control all reactions. Mindfulness apps are great for this right now for you. Try Headspace and Calm there are others. They cost nothing.

I will look for them.

Listen brother. I am steps ahead but have had a very similar journey (they are never the same). Know this, its all about how you conduct you for you and the kids. I will paste a recent message on my post for you to read. To give you hope.

Keep it tight. YOU - do it for your D and SS (he has seen this all his life I bet! - poor lad). You owe it to him too.

I know. He is my son now. I have to be a better man for us all to come out of this in the best possible shape.

Final point. You DID NOT CAUSE THIS!!! You really, really did not. I can not express this strongly enough. Also, you will NEVER cure her. Only she can. She probably won't IMHO. The reason I believe this is that you clearly apologise for your own outbursts. Does she???

She tried to tell me I was responsible for her 'friendship' starting as she calls it.

Going to need to start doing that. Thanks again mate. Just about to post an update.