[BrightFuture]

Bttrfly, I don’t even know if there could be any advice on this “friends” things, or anything in regards to my sitch. I’ve been feeling like failure again… that I don’t a have courage to end this… and keep being engaged in H’s strange behaviors… As I suspected, the Christmas weekend kind of backfired… I just felt the sadness all over again. This time of year has also been difficult for me after the BD. Our would be anniversary (21 years) was yesterday... It is always a sad day, considering that H is almost always in town at this same time, going to a Holiday Bowl with his brother. It used to be three of us, but I’m obviously not included into that for the last few years. This year I wished he would end this tradition and not show up in town at all.

He texted me about the company stuff a day before our anniversary. I didn’t hear a beep from him yesterday (anniversary). At least he has not disturbed me on that day. I’m sure he remembers the date, but I think he doesn’t give a d@nm about it.

SO… I was afraid to get sucked into this “nice” guy thing, with him showing up to Christmas dinner at the vacation home… And I did… got sucked in… Now, I’m thinking that he is not in MLC and never was in MLC… it was just me being not a right wife for him. Yes, guilty, I’ve been trying to analyze what I heard in the conversations, and most of it was just “old” H. Unless… I’m just not good at picking up the MLC trends, like others do. I feel stupid. I don’t even know if I am making may sense here.

I’m making a big effort to host a New Yeats dinner at my house. My sister and her family are on the vacation this year. Normally they would be hosting a dinner and do most of the cooking. This time, it is just me… In the past, we had the New Year’s dinners at our house. And… I had H to help with things… This year it is just me, and it is overwhelming, especially considering that I’m not 100% mobile yet (with my foot.) I’m sure I will get through this, as I always do. But… I just want to cry. Sorry for venting…

I want to wish everybody a Happy New Year! I hope it is better year for everyone, not matter where you are in your journey! Love, peace and prosperity to all of you!