I agree with others about cutting the financial stuff. Also, don't suggest MC at this time. If she remains involved with OM, there is no point.
I wanted to ask, if you guys have been S for months, how do you know so much about what she is doing? I would step back from that source of info, whatever it is, for it is not helping. It doesn't help to know that she is with OM 3 times a week or whatever. You know she remains involved with OM and that's enough.
I would cut off any 'snooping' channels for your own sanity and leave her be. See her life as her own and yours as your own.
I'm 2.5 years down the line here and my XH chose to file and finalise our D. The important thing to know is that she may or may not choose to turn back to the M. This is why working on you is so important because that is the part you get to control.
Truly, it will not harm your situation to turn away from her and start to get on with your own stuff. Cultivate an attitude of - Wow, I'm not putting my life on hold while you conduct a relationship with someone else - heck no!
I came to see that there was a 'no lose' route. The penny dropped for me a few months in and I was so pleased. I realised that in this awful situation, following the advice to 'save yourself' could only succeed. My H may or may not return - but I would be okay. And if I had 'saved myself' and he did return, that would be okay too.
So, deal with the financials, cut off the snooping channels (or limit these to occasional, less than once a month status checks), and start doing some things for yourself.
Don't tell her 'I'm going dim.' Just do it and start to move forward with your own plans. Deal with your own fears and grief with your IC, start reaching out to friends. Begin to fill you life with things and people that will fill the void left by her. Leave her be.
Whether she chooses to return depends on an interplay of variables - the quality of your M, what kind of a guy OM is, how messed up she is, whether you have kids, how long you were M...etc. There is no magic bullet and there are no guarantees. But, if you start to work towards getting your own life, which helps build detachment and keep moving slowly forward, even if that is with baby steps, you can only succeed - whatever she may do. I have been there and I promise you this.
Take care my friend.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
