D and MLC

[ciluzen]

Pax, yes more interesting peek outs. XH has a lot to work through. I think he is trying though. Reports are that he is throwing himself into work and interestingly enough, he has decided to actually start taking some more classes in a specialty area that is of interest. For years he treated the continuing ed as a horrible inconvenience, but now he is using it to further an interest! He once told me years ago that he felt lost, as he had no more goals...he had the education, career, family, and house. But nothing to work toward in the future. I think this fueled his ensuing depression. Just the other day (brew-fest), he mentioned while telling me (sheepishly) of a great achievement at work, that he was too old to be learning new things. I laughed and said, "please don't say that! I'm trying to get into a program to START a career...and I'm only three years younger than you!" He stared at me like it had just struck him that I was actually doing this! I'm glad that he is actually going to study groups and lectures. He's also attending with his two assistants that I'm friends with.

I did offer him the airbed via text. He called after work (I've noticed he no longer texts a "may I call" message first as he had been). He told me he had gotten off the phone with D26 and didn't feel he needed it, but was very appreciative of the offer. Not sure if D26 is still going up, but I'm not going to pursue that. He is very warm in voicing his thank yous to me lately. I think my being kind is kind of throwing him for a loop. I understand that me being angry is expected both due to my past behavior, his past behavior, and the fact that he D'd me. But I still care for him. My 180 is to give up my attempts to control of HIS choices...set him free to figure himself out. I did wish him a very happy New Year, and told him to have a good time as I knew he'd have a house full. He got very quiet and then said sadly, "I don't know. I'll try." I was light and told him, "Oh you will. It'll be fun!"

So fun events since right before my mom left...my older brother apparently collapsed at a store on the 23rd and nobody knew he was in a hospital ICU until my nephew filed a missing persons report when he didn't show up at Christmas dinner at his mother's (he's my half brother...12 years older). He was located on the 26th, heavily sedated after surgery for a blood clot, which was when my nephew called to tell me and my mother. My siblings are all half-siblings and 10, 11, and 12 years older than I. We are not close at all. But it was difficult to watch my mom receive this news before she headed home. She is already dealing with the hit that my older sister is in stage 4 breast cancer. My other sister, due to mental issues, has cut herself off completely from everyone. Her daughter is our only way of knowing how she is. I think my mom, who has lost many of her best friends in the last few years, is really fighting to keep a positive outlook. She has said that she has taken a cue from me and tries to find new social groups (she plays bridge) and reach out to more people that she has things in common with at her volunteer jobs. I know she is somewhat depressed, and these latest circumstances with my siblings are weighing heavily on her.

It seems that a lot is going on around me, but I guess I just am feeling like it affects me more on a shallow level? I am realizing I care and want to be there for those who I see need comfort, but I feel each thing is not something I have any control over so...I am not devastated by it? Does that make sense?

So, as you stated, Rouky...yes, my daughter and everyone else is on their own journey. They all are. I can helicopter around and get in the way in the name of "helping", or I can just let them know I am there when they need to talk, vent, or actually ask for help. I check in with people I love. With XH, I just let him know that its ok for him to call. I think he might be getting that. I'm learning that just listening and validating are the most helpful things to those in crisis. Listening because they need to talk and validating the positive thoughts and actions they come up with because they are guideposts for them to find their own path, while being reassured that someone still hears them and that their actions or thoughts are "ok". With my D24, she s going to have to feel the pain of some of those paths she takes, but also the pleasure of some of the others. How else is she going to know what is right for her? How else is she going to realize her own strength and trust that the most reliable person in her life is, or should be, her? Same with H. Same with me.