Lost in the MLC Desert

[d_Rose]

Hi All,

Merry Late Christmas to you all. With all of the emotions and goings on of Christmas, I have been away from the boards. I found it was easier to just try and ignore my situation and feelings, as focusing on them was too overwhelming. Back to reality.

My Christmas week was nice. I was surrounded by my kids and parents - so much love. My son and his wife were here for a week, so we all kept busy with shopping, movies, and "Christmas" activities. While it was weird without H being there, it was bearable for the most part. I did have a few tearful breakdowns, but recovered quickly and did not wallow in it. It was good for me to have to play mom and holiday cruise director - sometimes putting on an act for the kids has the benefit of actually making it ok for me too for awhile.

There was daily texting from H while S24 was here - asking what we had planned each day and seeing if we were "ok." Both S24 and D19 agreed to a family dinner with H at a restaurant the Wednesday before Christmas. S15 was really looking forward to it. I was on the fence about joining them, but in the end went. I think my D19 would not have gone if I did't go. Despite my always encouraging her to have a relationship with H, she is still very mad and disillusioned with his choices. That two hour dinner was the only time S24 saw H the entire week. I don't know if he communicated with him via text, etc. as I do not ask. The whole thing was sad. How our family has changed in the past 6 months. Dinner was fine, no drama. So familiar and easy, but also so distant. Bizarre.

H got me a very nice and expensive Christmas gift. I had gotten him one as well (as I knew from charges he had gotten me something large). I also helped S15 and S24 get small gifts for him as well. I brought all the gifts, and some candy/nuts to him at dinner on Wednesday. And that was it. He texted several times on Christmas Day. I hope he felt the emotional weight of his entire family being together for the day and he was not part of it. He needs to know that is part of what he is giving up. He did not ask to come over on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning and I did not offer.

Christmas dinner was awesome if I do say so. I made 14 pound prime rib roast, mashed potatoes, etc. It is our traditional Christmas meal. I am by no means a good cook, so was proud I pulled it off by myself. Again, a few tearful breakdowns about having to do it without my H, but I got through it.

And now all the festivities are over. S24 has gone home. The distraction of Christmas is done. Back to the realities of life without H and facing my emotions. I have been lazy with GAL the last month or so due to Christmas prep, but need to get back to it. S15 is with H this coming weekend for New Years, and my 2-3 go-to friends all have other plans. I'm already feeling sorry for myself. Time to snap out of it and make a plan. There's always laundry and taking down holiday decorations