Hanging and hoping- seperation edition

[BillyHo]

So I've really been thinking about this since my last post. I have no idea how to define things between W and I. If I had to guess, which I do, I would say she is afraid to totally let go and is enjoying her cake. Being the "nice guy" people pleaser I am, I have allowed it to go on thus far. The thing is I have been so worried about rocking the boat or pissing her off that I just went along with it. I think it is time to start doing what is right for me. I am tired of giving and getting nothing in return. If she can be selfish and only think of what makes her happy then it is time to take my balls back start looking out for #1. From here on out the bakery is closed and there will be no cake eaten on my watch. Until she can say that she wants to work on us or at least try to build to a point we can work on us she will need to feel what it is like to be without me and all of the wonderful benefits that come with being my significant other.

She doesn't respect me and she won't until I stand up for myself and take control of the sitch. If she gets mad, what's she going to do? Move out, oh yea she's already gone. It is time for her to feel a loss and realize that I'm not going to be there to help her until she is ready to give a little back. It makes me sad to think that I became this pushover in the last six years. In the first 12 years of our marriage I wasn't the best husband and was a little selfish. Guess what, that's when she wanted me the most. It's time to start doing for me and let the cards fall where they may.

[Bman72]

Hi Billy - I have a cycle going where I am allowing her to do as she pleases because she will do it anyway but then I think it is time I set my limits and give her some tough love and so some days I amready to be tough and other days I am caring and patient - so please keep in the back of your mind that whatever you decide to do - be consistent otherwise it can come across as flaky - so don't get too tough or too soft - just really know how you want it to be for yourself and your kids and then make sure you won't regret it in the long run - I ask myself will the way I treat her help me or hinder me in the long run. We are all still the victims of the emotional roller coaster and so the way we want to handle it changes - you may find in a week or two that you might want to handle it differently again so just keep that in mind before deciding. All the best. J

[Bman72]

I've been thinking more about your sitch - I'm far from qualified to give you anything but my humble thoughts so please filter it accordingly. You said your wife is not respecting you yet you also said in another post that she isn't spewing horrible things at you like some peoples situations here - I believe that most people are doing their best even if we can't make sense of it - it is their reality and how they see the situation that they are reacting to - if she is not spewing at you then that is a reflection of how you are treating her. You are to be commended for that. Just set the tone of what you expect and treat her in the same way and she sounds like a decent person who will reflect this - if not then you set a boundary that you don't accept the way she treats you and she will learn. It is a process of trial and error and you take data from each interaction and build on it - what works and what doesn't. Ultimately if you find her behaviour unacceptable then you respond accordingly. If the best you can have is friendship then isn't that a good place to start building from - as long as she is aware that your intention is to work on the marriage and that you don't accept being friend zoned in the long run. The other option is to tell her to leave you to get on with your life and to call you if she changes her mind. Just my humble thoughts.

[Jug]

You go, billyho!

I'm happy to see that you want to stand up for yourself and not let her cake eat and disrespect you? If you're comfortable sharing, how do you plan to enforce this?

[BillyHo]

Thanks for responding.
Bman
Beleive me I want to continue to treat her the way I have always treated her. The thing I don't want is for her to be happy with the way things are. Sure it makes things more comfortable between us but is it working toward something or just making things easy for her while she sees if there is something better out there. If there was a OM it would be much easier for me to know what to do but I don't know that there is.

Jug
I guess what I would really need to do is not be so accomidating. If she asks me to watch the boys only do it if it fits into my plans or because I want to do it. Don't do it just to make her happy.

I enjoy the fact that we are communicating in a friendly and civil way. I am just unsure if I need to pull back or if I just keep on how we are and see if we can build something from there. If I only knew what she wanted in terms of this seperation. It has been 3 days and it doesn't feel like we are seperated at all. We are just living in different houses. I think I know what I need to do but that is the thing that scares me the most. I want to let go but she is making it so hard to do.

[SBJ]

I think I know what I need to do but that is the thing that scares me the most. I want to let go but she is making it so hard to do.

As I said, I am too new to this to give much advice, but what I do know is that everyone has said that we should do what works...not what we think should work.

Keep reading and listening to all of the vets on here.

Good luck my friend.

[Jug]

Absolutely be friendly and civil but don't reach out. Don't accommodate her unless you truly think it's for your kids' best interest. Go do your own thing.

[BillyHo]

I signed up for a coach today. Hopefully that will get me headed in the right direction. Thanks so much for your input guys.

[BillyHo]

Had my coaching session today. My coach said that it is a good sign that W seems to want to maintain contact with me. She said it is a sign that she still feels a connection with me. She also said that the fact that we are friendly is a good thing because friendship is the foundation of a good marriage. I am supposed to look at her as a friend for now. If a friend called and asked to get in my hot tub I would say sure so it's ok to let her use it as long as she asks. I also can't judge her as if she is my wife but as if she were just a friend.

According to the coach this is the most mild sitch that she is dealing with currently. I will continue to be friendly while GAL and working on me. I am ready to do my best to approach this with a beginners mind.

The struggle I have now is finding people in my life that understand why I am still standing for my M. Everyone wants me to move on because I deserve better. They say I could find someone else without any trouble. It makes me sad to think that these people would just give up on a 18yr M because things have gotten really bad. I don't think M is something you just give up on. I think this is worth fighting for. I know they just want me to stop hurting and I will. This is making me stronger than I ever knew I could be. I am on this journey and I am going to ride it out to the end.

[Bman72]

Hi Billy, I'm glad you spoke with a coach - I am also glad to hear that you see friendship as a good start point and will nurture that - for now just living on her own may be all the space she needs to get clarity and feel like she is getting what she needs for the time being. What she ultimately does is unknown but you are controlling what you can and giving her opportunity for friendship. Your family and friends are protecting you and so it's easy for them to tell you to mlove on as they care for you and want to see you be happy because you deserve it. It's a throw away comment to tell you to move on and comes from caring about you but if they were in your situation they would see it differently also. Sometimes family and friends are not the best people to take advice from - keep your plan and focus on working it every day and see their concern and comments purely as a sign of their love for you but keep your real constructive support to those who understand such as as a coach, counselor, priest etc. As I mentioned in my earlier post - you have set a good tone for your situation where your W feels safe communicating with you which is really a great start point for growth - no matter how slow. I have been criticized in the past for mentioning building connnection but without this you have no viable way to reconcile - I think you are handling it well. Boundaries are always important but only to keep things how you need them to be and not to control your wife - just keep on focusing on making yourself the best version of you - for yourself and the kids, and find your inner happiness. That's all you can do in reality - but you know the saying "build it and they will come " :-)