I'm Back :(

[Laowai]

How much time are you spending with people that love and support you? How much time are you spending chasing this pod person who used to be your wife? How much time are you spending improving yourself? You appear to have insight into your failings so what have you done to shore those up?

What plans have you made this week to get out and GAL?

Not much time with other people because I don't really have anyone around. As for how much time I spend improving myself: I basically spend every waking moment reading and studying my issues. This includes self help books, my therapist, ect....but none of these seem to have helped me to emotionally detach/accept what is really going on. As for GAL...Well, this week has been non existent and I know I need to do better.

[Laowai]

WW still goes to the OM's house many nights a week, a

How do you know this?

I have fallen back into the slump of not being able to eat, not being able to sleep, not being able to focus on anything other than the situation.

Who can change this?

We are still in "limbo" waiting on W to decide if she wants to work on the M or not,

Correction, "we" are not waiting on W to decide anything. Don't you see she is playing you? everytime you tell youself she is waiting to decide what she wants to do.......STOP and rememberthat it is YOU that is waiting for her. As long as she thinks you are pining away for her, safely at home.....just waiting.......waiting......while she is sleeping with another man......why would she get in any hurry? maybe you don'tknow much about women and relationships, but it doesn't work this way.

Get out of that house. Stay out every night for two weeks, and she'll be calling and quizzing you about a girlfriend.....and she won't like it. It is the wayward wife's mindset. if you stop being available.....and WAITING......you the limbo will change.

Stop watching what she does. It is killing you, remember?

I know this because obviously I am watching what she is doing. I don't disagree that I need to get out more, but I want to make it clear that this would have no impact on her. Sandi, you said she won't like it if I do that, and that she will think I have a girlfriend. She won't even know if I am going out. We live 30 minutes apart, and she never comes down this way as she is too busy going to her AP's house.

[Sotto]

So, get out for you! You guys have been S for a few months. The best thing you can do is firmly put her on the back burner and get on with your own life as though she isn't coming back.

Sideline her in your life and start making plans just for you. Work on your own health and make 2017 the year that you slowly start to rebuild after your life was shattered.

Try one new thing each month that may become a regular activity for you. Join a support group for separated people, where you will meet others in similar circumstances.

Leave her to wallow in her A with grotty OM and move forward with your own life. Yes, you can stand for the M and choose not to file for D if you so wish. But please put any thought of 'waiting' to one side and don't worry if she 'sees' or doesn't see - focus on you!

So - let's see some plans for how you'll move forward in 2017 and get yourself to a stronger place - regardless of what she may be doing...

[Sotto]

You may want to have a look at Defacto's old threads...not got time to search him out now, but if you pop in his name his stuff should come up.

I think what he did may be what you need....And he was the one who coined the term 'street walkin' cheetah' which I've never forgotten....

Best of luck my friend xx

[Laowai]

So, clearly I am financing the A. How do you propose I bring this up to her? Also, I really feel like asking her if she truly doesn't consider what she is doing to be an affair....I am assuming this is a bad idea though.

[Laowai]

Also, just before we separated she sent a text saying that she had an IC session, and I asked "aren't we supposed to go together at some point?" She responded with "at some point" Well that was 3 months ago. Should I ask her when she is planning to do this with me?

[Jug]

Simply tell her that you are discountinuing payment of her cell phone and any other similar stuff. See sandis stuff for lbs'.

You'll read and find here that mc with someone who is in an a and/or ambivalent is a waste of time and money. This means you right now. I've done a few rounds of this and it was a total waste.

Are you seeing an ic? You should if you aren't.

[LiM]

Laowai,

You are S and she is active with OM. You should not be supporting her financially in ANY way. Tell her she needs to get her own cell phone plan and car insurance. Do that NOW.
Then detach and go dark.
The changes you need to make are for YOU not for her. I know you are S but you need to be making changes in your life for you. Doing so will make you better person and build your self confidence. If you truly do these things for you, then they are real changes that will be noticed by everyone you come into contact with. If/When you come into contact with your W again (you eventually will) she will see a completely new you IF you make these changes for YOU.

You need to emotionally leave/divorce her. THIS is how you save your M. Turn yourself into a better man and show her that you are actually a better person without her.

WARNING! 2x4 coming.
I say this with love and not to bring you down. But really, I think you need to grow a pair and start standing up for yourself. Do things that will build self confidence. She will eventually see it. You FIGHT for your M by letting her go.

Have you read Sandi's threads? All of them?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1

[Laowai]

@Jug: Yes, I am seeing an IC. Her suggestion at this time is to "accept" what is happening, and detach. I agree that I have not accepted this nor really started to detach, and I am not really sure how to start that. I asked her for suggestions and her answer was to tell my W that I will be filing for legal separation and then following through with it. (currently we are just informally separated)

I agree about the detaching part, I know it needs to be done. I'm just not sure how to do it. I also agree that I need to stand up for myself, I suppose I am just afraid of the backlash.

I suppose the whole going dark thing also eludes me a little. Do I tell her that I need to go NC, or do I just start limiting communication until she gets the hint?

I have read Sandi's threads, and they are fascinating.

[Sotto]

I agree with others about cutting the financial stuff. Also, don't suggest MC at this time. If she remains involved with OM, there is no point.

I wanted to ask, if you guys have been S for months, how do you know so much about what she is doing? I would step back from that source of info, whatever it is, for it is not helping. It doesn't help to know that she is with OM 3 times a week or whatever. You know she remains involved with OM and that's enough.

I would cut off any 'snooping' channels for your own sanity and leave her be. See her life as her own and yours as your own.

I'm 2.5 years down the line here and my XH chose to file and finalise our D. The important thing to know is that she may or may not choose to turn back to the M. This is why working on you is so important because that is the part you get to control.

Truly, it will not harm your situation to turn away from her and start to get on with your own stuff. Cultivate an attitude of - Wow, I'm not putting my life on hold while you conduct a relationship with someone else - heck no!

I came to see that there was a 'no lose' route. The penny dropped for me a few months in and I was so pleased. I realised that in this awful situation, following the advice to 'save yourself' could only succeed. My H may or may not return - but I would be okay. And if I had 'saved myself' and he did return, that would be okay too.

So, deal with the financials, cut off the snooping channels (or limit these to occasional, less than once a month status checks), and start doing some things for yourself.

Don't tell her 'I'm going dim.' Just do it and start to move forward with your own plans. Deal with your own fears and grief with your IC, start reaching out to friends. Begin to fill you life with things and people that will fill the void left by her. Leave her be.

Whether she chooses to return depends on an interplay of variables - the quality of your M, what kind of a guy OM is, how messed up she is, whether you have kids, how long you were M...etc. There is no magic bullet and there are no guarantees. But, if you start to work towards getting your own life, which helps build detachment and keep moving slowly forward, even if that is with baby steps, you can only succeed - whatever she may do. I have been there and I promise you this.

Take care my friend.