Hi Blu! Thanks for your observations and advice, I find your POV invaluable. I find I have made the error a lot of LBS make, I see our past marriage through rose colored glasses and wanted that fantasy person back. The reality is WH and I argued a lot, he felt a lack of physical affection and I felt constantly forced into the parent position (even while working in residency I still did 90% of the housework and childcare.) It made me VERY resentful, add to that the affair and I have no idea why I am fighting for that WH. At this point I just need to get back to my core and view WH for what he really is, a broken man who needs to repair his wounds while I care for my own.
Sky, When DD#1 happened I became obsessed about texting WH and then berating him when he took hours to respond. I failed woefully at detaching, but then I didn't have DBing either. Once I started DBing I became a master at pulling back via phone and text. Interestingly he used this as an excuse after DD#2, said we were barely communicating so he went back to OW, whatever. Now I only text vital information regarding the kids and the house closing. I have texted him thank you and validating when he does something nice for me as the DB coach recommended this, I keep it short and pleasant. I feel this is exactly how I would behave with a room mate or a neighbor that rakes my yard or something akin to that. Lately I have been staying on the phone with friends or texting when WH is home to keep myself happy and occupied, it's part of my GAL. It also piques WH's curiosity and I see him sometimes wandering byb and trying to peak at my phone.
Jug, The DB coach said it was okay to thank him for doing me favors but not to go overboard. I will text thank you and maybe validate but then stop. All in all I am fairly detached and am treating him like a room mate.
SH, Thank you. I really am feeling much more positive and happy. Part of my problem was I was trying to GAL by following what other people do (work out, find a new happy, etc.,) I went back to the bahvior I used to do before WH came into my life and returned to that. I am a HUGE nerd so I decided to start re-watching Game of Thrones while reading the books. I've also been calling/texting all my friends and the hours literally fly by. I still cook dinner for the kids (this is a new GAL activity, at least 4 home cooked meals a week) bathe them and sort their clothes and lunches for tomorrow. I am SO much more content now. My GAL is rather boring but it makes me happy, happy, happy.
Surfer, Honestly I have no interest in washing and waxing my own car. I'd rather take it in and get it detailed and pay someone else to do it, lol! I do weirdly love to do the interior stuff like vacuuming and cleaning the surfaces. I do need to get to the darn gym more often though, now I want to do it to make myself hawt. I am petite (5'1 and a bit underweight at 108 lbs) but I want to get toned and healthy.
WH worked an extra shift last and this night as well. Today I decided to put a boundary in place, when WH mumbled stuff I simply continued my own activity as if I didn't hear him. This in turn caused him to speak in a normal tone. I made direct eye contact and answered him. I find I don't have to "act as if" at this time, I don't really feel the need to try and pretend to be happy or cheerful in front of him. I basically have focused on my own entertainment and keeping myself busy. At worst he feels like an annoyance and I was a little relieved when he went to work today, I feel more at peace when he is not here. He continues to hide in the spare room or the office when I am home. Sometimes he will wander near me and glimpse at me. He does this most when I am giggling while texting friends, I think he is either curious or maybe a little jealous.
The house closing is going very smoothly, the house will completely in my name. While I know WH can theoretically sue for 50% of the value if we divorce I honestly think he would never do that. One thing he has always been consistent about during this fiasco is he has never tried to control or manipulate me financially. Even when I visited a lawyer (Oct '15) and was told I could not afford the retainer (6K) he offered to pay my retainer, and he meant it. I have complete access to his bank account but he does not have access to mine. (a lesser known rule in Islam, the husband cannot touch the wife's money or assets but the wife has complete access to his) I am so excited to move into my new home, thought I wish there was a way to fast forward through actual moving itself. The downside is I will have a bit of a commute to work but the schools are free and some of the nation's top rated. I also hope I can make some local neighbor friends with kids.
I started the AD that is tailored to nightmares and PTSD. The first night the dose was too high and I had to go home early from work the next day due to serious side effects. The next night I halved the dose and slept wonderfully. My mood and outlook are much improved with a good night's sleep. At this dose it can't be an actual antidepressant but it may not be necessary. I finally feel like I am finding my real self again.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I'd rather take it in and get it detailed and pay someone else to do it, lol! I do weirdly love to do the interior stuff like vacuuming and cleaning the surfaces. I do need to get to the darn gym more often though, now I want to do it to make myself hawt. I am petite (5'1 and a bit underweight at 108 lbs) but I want to get toned and healthy. 
