What other choice do I have? I want to work on my marriage. I said for better for worse, and I meant it. Right now it's for worse. I know I need to "Accept and detach" but I don't know how...or even what that looks like.
So, this is a clear boundary issue. Your W is 'carrying on' (in whatever form with OM.) She knows you are really unhappy about that and she appears not to really care. Meanwhile, the situation is making you Ill.
On the basis of - you only get to control you and not her - what are you going to do about this?
I truly wish I knew. That's kinda why I posted this.
1. No one will be in a relationship with someone they do not respect .... her actions show she does not respect you currently.
2. This is a Cake-Eat Buffet for her, she can come and go and spend her fun time with OM while you pay the bills and wait for her to make up her mind ... why would she stop at this point ... there must be consequences for our actions and from what I read there just aren't any.
3. Until you stand up for yourself, set and hold some boundaries .. she will continue to do as she wishes. You are afraid that if you stand up to her you will lose her but I am here to tell you that by not standing up for yourself she will be gone regardless ... it will just be a much slower and painful death.
4. At some point you are going to have to make a hard decision, we all know this current set up is not what you want but in the spirit of trying to 'save' your M you are not wanting to rock the boat .... You must decide stand up now for yourself ... or continue feeding her the cake and being miserable.
Change does not happen until there is enough pain that we are forced to change ... you have to decide when you have suffered enough in order to grow.
What should said consequences be? The only thing I really have at this point is to tell her family about the affair...they don't even know we are separated.
Your only option at this point is to go see a lawyer and leave. It's the only thing that will save your marriage
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
See a lawyer and leave? How does that save my marriage? That ends my marriage...That is me giving up. At least that's how I see it. Please help me understand.
You are not ending the marriage by seeing a lawyer. You are seeing a lawyer to make sure you protect yourself in case your marriage ends. You leaving is because it's what is needed for your sanity. You wife has zero respect for you. None. Trust me I know that hurts. I feel terrible that you are in this position. But she is openly carrying on an affair with someone else. It doesn't get more disrespectful than that. That clearly should be a boundary for you, unless you ok living in a marriage with the three people and you being the person that is being pooped on constantly. You are leaving and dropping the rope. You have to if you want any shot at all at saving your marriage. And you need to do it for you, not her. That's the hardest part. The part that in the end DBing is for you. Not to save your marriage. It will only give you a small shot at saving your marriage. I promise you that leaving and going dark is the only way you will have that shot
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
What do you mean by "leaving"? We have been physically separated for almost 3 months already. I have seen an attorney and she assured me that there was really nothing that could be done by either party to "get a leg up" on the other. Everything will be split 50/50 and it will be as simple as that. No chance for alimony, and no kids so no child support.
We've been separated for 3 months and I truly don't feel like I have regained any of my sanity.
I mean you have to completely drop the rope. Zero contact. LRT all the way
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
How much time are you spending with people that love and support you? How much time are you spending chasing this pod person who used to be your wife? How much time are you spending improving yourself? You appear to have insight into your failings so what have you done to shore those up?
What plans have you made this week to get out and GAL?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
WW still goes to the OM's house many nights a week, a
How do you know this?
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I have fallen back into the slump of not being able to eat, not being able to sleep, not being able to focus on anything other than the situation.
Who can change this?
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We are still in "limbo" waiting on W to decide if she wants to work on the M or not,
Correction, "we" are not waiting on W to decide anything. Don't you see she is playing you? everytime you tell youself she is waiting to decide what she wants to do.......STOP and rememberthat it is YOU that is waiting for her. As long as she thinks you are pining away for her, safely at home.....just waiting.......waiting......while she is sleeping with another man......why would she get in any hurry? maybe you don'tknow much about women and relationships, but it doesn't work this way.
Get out of that house. Stay out every night for two weeks, and she'll be calling and quizzing you about a girlfriend.....and she won't like it. It is the wayward wife's mindset. if you stop being available.....and WAITING......you the limbo will change.
Stop watching what she does. It is killing you, remember?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
