Another WW

[Dawgs]

Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.

Wise words, doodler.

Last79, doodler's right. They will spin things around and blame you for it. Some are so good they'll have you believing it was your fault...

They won't change or any of the like - why should they? Because to them, we simply don't exist outside of an annoyance.

[Gordie]

I don't think she has any serious complaints in my mind, basically I don't talk to her enoughnand she feels unsupported and it's always been about me and my career while she stays at home.

Like many say, I think she is unhappy with her life and takes it out on me. I know there are things I can do to show my appreciation more, etc, but it really goes both ways . I could never do enough and even though I support the entire family she never shows appreciation either of what I do for the family. We need to have more respect and gratitude for each other .

Last79,

Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.

Yes! Doodler is right. Listen to him. My W keeps sucking me into irrational conversations but I am getting better at not accepting blame. We were talking about D and something was upsetting W and she started blaming me. I couldn't take it anymore and said calmly but firmly that if she is upset about the D then it is all on her. She is the only one who wants this and is pushing for it and that she has to bear the consequences of her actions. She stopped talking to me about that issue and we moved on to another topic.

[Rose888]

Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.

Wise words, doodler.

Last79, doodler's right. They will spin things around and blame you for it. Some are so good they'll have you believing it was your fault...

They won't change or any of the like - why should they? Because to them, we simply don't exist outside of an annoyance.

I'll be the exception.

First let me say that I am not in any way excusing your wife's affair. That is on her. If she felt she couldn't stay married to you, the honorable thing would be to leave first, not to have an affair.

That said, you seem awfully dismissive of what seem to me to be very legitimate concerns. Not being emotionally supportive of your spouse, especially when she is staying home with them full time (which is often a socially isolating experience) is a big deal. Were you an involved dad?

When you said she could work if she wanted to, did you give her any reason to doubt that you would step up your domestic game to take over half the work?

The fact that she had an affair doesn't remove your responsibility for the kind of husband and father you were.

Now, maybe you feel like her charges are a rewriting of history, but that isn't what it sounds like from your post. Your post made it sound like you just don't think those complaints are serious or important.

If that's the case, I encourage you--for your sake and the sake of any relationships you have in the future--to rethink.

[Gordie]

Your wife is having an affair and she'll find any reason possible to make it your fault that she's having the affair. You can't expect her to change anything or show appreciation and respect. You just have to focus on yourself and your children as you move forward.

Wise words, doodler.

Last79, doodler's right. They will spin things around and blame you for it. Some are so good they'll have you believing it was your fault...

They won't change or any of the like - why should they? Because to them, we simply don't exist outside of an annoyance.

I'll be the exception.

First let me say that I am not in any way excusing your wife's affair. That is on her. If she felt she couldn't stay married to you, the honorable thing would be to leave first, not to have an affair.

That said, you seem awfully dismissive of what seem to me to be very legitimate concerns. Not being emotionally supportive of your spouse, especially when she is staying home with them full time (which is often a socially isolating experience) is a big deal. Were you an involved dad?

When you said she could work if she wanted to, did you give her any reason to doubt that you would step up your domestic game to take over half the work?

The fact that she had an affair doesn't remove your responsibility for the kind of husband and father you were.

Now, maybe you feel like her charges are a rewriting of history, but that isn't what it sounds like from your post. Your post made it sound like you just don't think those complaints are serious or important.

If that's the case, I encourage you--for your sake and the sake of any relationships you have in the future--to rethink.

I can agree with both Doodler and Rose. Rose has an awesome perspective and has taught me a lot. Yes, listen and understand your W's points. There will be elements of hard to swallow truths in there as well as some crazy stuff, but don't throw the truth out with the crazy stuff. And when you acknowledge and understand the truth, figure out how you can change to be a better person.

[ForGump]

Rose said exactly what I wanted to say: the affair is on her. But you, Last79, need to own up to whatever your shortcomings were as a spouse. I'm not saying it was all you there. Just sounds like you two had an unhealthy partnership for a long time.

- You stopped nurturing your relationship.
- Your W wanted to connect (talk) with you better but you didn't respond adequately.
- Your W had some ambition to get her own career but you didn't support it adequately/enthusiastically.
- You believe financially supporting the family is all you need to do; but were you helpful at home? Did you let her get some big breaks away from her kid/household duties?

Your W having an affair is absolutely awful and nothing absolves her for that. But you can't control her. So I list the things above to encourage you to take a good hard look at yourself.

[Last79]

Thanks for all the feedback all.

Yes I take responsibility for the portion of our marriage that was lacking. I may come across as not thinking her concerns are a big deal, but it's really me thinking that everything she says now are things we could really work on in a marriage. I don't think there are any issues we could not overcome. I now know from reading I have done since I could have been more supportive, and keep the spark alive by doing special things and dating. You get caught up in life and kids and think your too busy for that and it's not needed. Obviously it was for her.

And the other thing, was that we never had any serious conversations about her being that unhappy and we needed to work on some things. It was always just during an arguement something would come up about various things.

I am a very involved dad, so no issues there. And around the house I have always done all the outside stuff and take care of al the car maintance. I would hep around the house as needed, but she did do the most of it as she is home all day.

At times I was supportive. I encouraged to get out and meet some new friends with kids that still stayed at home but she refused saying she didn't need anymore friends. I never discouraged her from getting a job, just said I would rather her stay at home until the youngest would go to school but she could do what she wanted. She is not a push over so I have said since I found out about the affair that if you really want to go back to work you would have. I feel it's just an excuse cause she was never really vocal about it. She has been having an affair and unhappy for some time and she still had no plan on getting a job. You would think if she was so unhappy and wanted out she would at least figure out how to get a job.

And the final point, yes she had plenty time for girl time. She went out a lot with her girlfriends, apparently too much.

[Last79]

Anyone have any advice if I am trying the LRT if I am supposed to allow her to do things for me. Examples the last two days she had actually asked if I needed things when she was going to the store like food items for holiday parties I am going to or gifts that I need for people. Prior to this week she hasn't offered anything and I definately have not offered. I went to the store the other night and she did ask me to get two food items, and I did since I was going there. But she has asked me to fix something on her car and I have refused to do that since TS not a safety concern for the kids, it's just annoying to her. I am trying to stay dark with her unless it's about the kid, but she seems to be trying to talk to me more lately.

[doodler]

Last79,

Since it's Christmas Eve Eve, it's ok for her to get stuff for you. The important thing to remember is, when she delivers the stuff to you, DO NOT hump her leg. Leg humping is not LRT except on Mondays when there's a full moon.

[Last79]

So now my father in law said he would like me to come over for Christmas Eve if I don't have anywhere to go, which I don't since I haven't told many what's going on in our relationship. My wife said I don't care if you go if you want to. I know my kids would love for me to be there so I am torn. Give her the best of both worlds or go for this kids sake. It doesn't bother me to go there cause it's just her immediate family. They know we are not getting along but don't know about her affair.
I have been great until she told me this. I think it's because her dad was reaching out and cared about me on Christmas. Now I just feel sad and confused and it's Christmas Eve.
Anyone have experience or thoughts if I should just suck it up and go?

[Last79]

My WW and I had a discussion, I didn't lose my cool because that doesn't help anyone. My son and the OM son are friends and my son asked to go over to his house and play. I told him no. My WW continues to say that I am taking it out on him and he shouldn't be punished. I told her I have to have boundaries with our family around OM and that is one of them. She didn't like that and said when we are divorced she will allow it. That just aggravates me she thinks everything is fine and goes on as normal. I told her that is a consequence for what she is doing and she should take responsibility. Then somewhere along TJ conversation I said she was a bad mom for what she has done and we haven't talked since. She justifies herself as a good mom cause she goes to their stuff. But she forgets about all the time she is there she is on her phone and forgets about all the nights she goes out. I think it's time we physically separate cause I can't stand her behavior anymore.