My next Mrs. Trumpet will need to understand the give and take of a healthy relationship. I will need to work on giving of myself as well - I have emotional walls around me now I never had before. Some days I feel that I will never need another female in my life - I will be able to be fully reliant on God, and even though I'm lonely at times, I have ways to make due.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
W: "Its D's birthday this Friday (normally my day). I was wondering if we would be up for meeting up somewhere. The four of us. Supper and an activity. What are your thoughts? I had bowling or mini putt in mind"
First couple of things that come to mind, 1. I know when my daughters birthday is and 2. I know Fridays are normally her day, we have been doing this for 8 months....
I have already taken kids to bowling and an indoor play area for her birthday this past Sunday, already have dealt with the emotions of only seeing D briefly when I talk some cake to daycare for her.
I also know that W have OM 'friend' over for thanksgiving 2 weekends ago.
This is on top of her telling me when I picked the kids up about her health issues and how she may have some surgery in 6 months time. To which I didn't suggest (as I would normally have done) as to how I can help.... I just said ok, and left with the kids.
The all about her mindset and using the kids are still part of her playbook and I am just not interested.
What in your view is best for D in terms of an "all four of us" B-Day? I could see the answer being either possibility depending on your dynamic. Whatever that answer is for you, go with that. That will give you the most peace of mind because you will have used the right criterion to make your decision.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Hi JRuss, I get what you are saying and not going out as a 'family' of 4 was best for me. I took my kids out for D's birthday as a 3 and had a great day with them.
Bearing in mind that over the past couple of months, W has been telling me that she will only talk to me with a mediator present, her L is still on my case which has been directed to my L. Now all of a sudden, she wants to spend a few hours together over dinner and wants to tell me her health issues (which she did in front of the kids) where she may have to go into hospital next year for some surgery and won't be able to do very much for a few weeks.
I talked with some trusted female friends and they saw this as a sympathy play and temp check to see if I was still here for her. That she is just looking to see if I will support her but are sure that the pattern will repeat.
In the end it didn't really matter as I was ill on my D's birthday but had already replied saying thank you for the offer but no thank you.
Thank you for the reply to my questions. You are definitely very strong. In a twisted way, I still get what appears to be anxiety when i'm on this forum. But the way that i've faced my demons is a bit different.
My XWW played happy family last wknd, and everyone wanted to know whats up, when we're getting back together. Meanwhile, I just graced her with my cold-shoulder. It is about sticking to your guns, but like I told Natus, there's no point in keeping a wall up, cos you're gonna carry that into your next relationship.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
It's now been a year since BD, nothing really has changed with W. Contact has been very limited, well as much as I can. The past week W started contacting me almost every day, even started calling. She keeps telling me all these things she is doing and learning about how to work things after a separation, like she is looking for thanks for taking the family apart. Maybe if she had of done half of this work towards a relationship, maybe we could have been better....
With me.... Living life for the most part happy and well. Have moments but definitely much further apart. Enjoy my kids when I have them and heading out with different friends when the kids are not with me. Work is very busy but very frustrating, has been a difficult week keeping focused.
I have been ready to make the move to file, told W that I considered this week as a year of separation so she could start the process. She told me that something needs to be done first before we file and she has been working on that for over a month.... Some things don't change... I just don't see any chance that she will look at herself and own her part, she has rarely done so in the past.
Slightly annoyed with myself that she managed to get a reaction from me last night though, had been doing so well for months. Today it looks like she blocked me from texting her as I had replied to her about the Christmas kid plans....
I originally came to this board hoping to find a way to save my marriage, now I find myself regularly thinking that I don't even want to see or talk to W anymore. There is just no talking with her, she wants to be listened to but doesn't want to listen in return... Something I have learnt and opened my eyes to is that this is how she has always been and I just don't want that anymore.
I have told many people that DBing seems to be less about divorce busting, and more about becoming awesome. It is both a good side affect and a sad thing that, as you heal and grow, your WAS starts to look a little less attractive and desirable.
That, my friend, is the sound of your self worth growing...
Why are you having these conversations? XW used to do that to me too, and I just said, "Hey, if you need to talk about something with the kids, that's fine - but perhaps some of your girlfriends would want to chat with you otherwise? I don't feel comfortable."
Hi Bippy, I don't have any conversations with her, she sends me texts telling me this stuff that I just ignore. Last night was the first one she got me on in ages. D4 was ill last week and W sent me texts about it, I opened the door a crack by checking a couple of times how D4 was and I guess W thought I was opening the door to more communication. I keep everything about the kids as much as I can and very limited at best. Any conversation with her is still all about her and blaming me for whatever she can find... I have normally just walked away or ignored it, has been a tiring frustrating couple of weeks at work and unfortunately she got me.
That's the thing, I just don't see someone attractive or desirable in her. I have been out and had interest from others but it's true what they say, I need time alone, I just wouldn't have the energy to begin something else.
I agree to that what I have taken from the board is the growth I've been through this year, how it will put me in a better place going forward.
So little holiday update as the kids go back tomorrow...
W wanted to the kids a bit longer on Christmas Eve as the schedule would normally have me picking them up at 10am. She wanted to do the German tradition of the 24th rather than see them on Christmas Day. They came to me just before bedtime on the 24th so I had them for Santa stockings in the morning. When W dropped them off, she couldn't take her eyes of the outside Christmas lights my dad and I put up. She was looking half decent with the 600 dollar ear rings I bought her a few years ago for her birthday. However, was wearing her bright red rubber farm type boots....
She also had a Christmas card for my Dad in the kids things with some pictures of the kids.... something that surprised both my Dad and me as she knows my Dad and I have a very open relationship and he is often my sounding board.
Then on the flip side, she didn't want to speak or see the kids on Christmas Day... As usual none of this makes any sense as she also shared on FB a video about family being the most important thing at Christmas (she is still friends with my Dad on FB)
Christmas Day was good fun with the kids and Dad, plenty of presents for the kids, good food and wine with Dad. The last few days we went out with the kids as S7 got a skateboard and he wanted to be out on it. Today, the kids and I went for a nice walk in the forest and played at the play area.
Kids go back to W tomorrow but haven't heard a word from her yet.... Then I'm off to the piano store to sell the piano I bought her last year. Then am looking to go to a ski resort in the Alps for New Years Eve, want to go start the New Year somewhere else....
