Cheated and need advice

[sandi2]

When a person feels remorse, has cried and begged for forgiveness, was killing herself to be transparent 24/7, and allowing her H to take his wrath out on her..........what else does he want, in order for him to feel justified or satisfied she has suffered efficiently?

IMHO, a man, such as your H, already has a deep resentment issue that he has not let go. He lives his life with the resentment/anger just below the surface. His "mean streak" comes out, he does something to hurt, and then apologizes. But the cycle continues. It makes him angry whenever he thinks anyone gets off scott free......even people in the news, etc. So now, he has added you to his list of "Those Who Should Be Punished"!

Without therapy, I am very concerned that he will never let it completely go. He will not forgive, b/c that would let you off the hook (in his way of thinking). He will never feel that you have suffered enough, or long enough, for secretly talking to another man. His male ego and pride has been kicked where it hurts the worst, and he wants you to hurt just as badly. However, he doesn't stop with his punishment, b/c he has something else deeply enbedded that is urging his need to punish. So, calling you horrible, degrading names was not enough. He wants revenge, and he goes on a date with your friend. Then he disgraces his repentant W on Christmas day to his family. He brags about him dating OW. However, this is still not enough to satisfy his need to lash out and cause you pain. He thinks he will determine how long you should have to suffer. Instead of being H & W, the relationship becomes executioner and prisoner.......every day for as long as he sees fit.

If he had abusive tendencies, could this situation could push it into high gear?
If you were to separate from him, would it elevate his anger? Does the thought of leaving him, scare you? I believe you said he had never hit you, but has he come close? Does he get mad enough to slam or throw things around? Does he get meaner when he drinks?

IDK, obviously I've never been in this position before so I don't know what punishment fits the crime. I can say, living with the guilt of knowing what I did to him is hard, but to him that's not a consequence and I can't convince him that I feel that guilt. I stand up for myself...then I was "never truly sorry" and I'm acting as if it never happened. If I cower, then I lose my self-respect. Just so confused.

As I previously posted, it is not his job to execute punishment. You have begged for his forgiveness and told him how sorry you were, etc. Why would you punish someone who repents and wants to work on their M? You don't. Forgiveness is now in order, but he doesn't want to forgive, he wants to make you pay.

The consequences for talking to OM was your H knowing about it. Okay, now he knows. The next consequence is the fallout or his reaction. You have definitely faced that one. The next step should be him making the the decision to accept your apology, forgive you, and agree to MC, move forward in healing/working on the MR. But you don't stay in an ongoing punitive relationship! That is not a consequence you have to endure. That is punishment, which is different. If he wants to split, then do it. If he won't stop his abusive behavior, then get out of there.

You are guilt-ridden and you need to forgive yourself. Sweetheart, I know how hard that can be! You won't forget it, but you can live in forgiveness, rather than oppression. Why go around with ashes and sackcloth on your head every day from now on? Does he want you to wear a scarlet A over your chest, brand your forehead........or what? If you read many stories from the H's on this board, you will see how they yearn to hear an apology from their W. For her to feel remorse would be enough for most of them. Sure they were hurt, but they love their W and want to save their M. These H's ache to have a chance to move forward with their lives and rebuild a new MR. I am not seeing the same reaction in your H, currently.

Here's the thing. You have done everything possible to show your deep sorrow and your desire to be transparent to gain his trust and work with him to heal. He rejected it. He continues to brew contempt. My advice at the point, is to end your attempts in expressing to him your regret. Considering his own bad behavior, I think you need to stop making any references in connection to that incident, or how badly you feel about it. Both of you seem to overshadow his five hour revenge date with OW, b/c all the focus is on your phone call with OM. So now, things have plunged into another level in an unhealthy relationship.

Placing immediate distance from him, might break a cycle of punishing.....then having sex (or him letting you sleep with him). It could give him time to come to grips and decide if he wants you as a wife, or a just something to verbally & mentally kick around. It could place you in a healthier environment with less stress. It could clear your thoughts to see what you need and want in a MR. It could be a time to focus on building your self-esteem (b/c honey, it will stay beat down if you keep going like this). It could be effective in starting a new and better MR with him.......and under healthier terms (showing respect for each other, him going to therapy for his issues, engaging in a sound M healing program, etc). If you stay, he will keep it under his terms (which means no forgiveness, no therapy, no help for MR, and oppression continues). He will not see his actions as wrong. He will see it as JUSTICE! And with that kind of mindset, you will not be able to rise above what either of you have done. A separation could create enough healthy space to resolve or heal issues that exist. Instead of seeing a S as ending the M, see it as taking time apart in hopes of restablishing a better MR. I have seen many couples separate, sometime as long as a couple of years......and work through their problems (some under professional guidance), then slowly dating each other, and finally moving back together.

I am not trying to push you to do something you are against. I am just putting it out here to be read.