Me and Mildlife and...III

[Altair]

CT,
I've always been so impressed by your eloquence, yes I'm in the forum tonight and glad to read your piece. This forum has helped me more than I can say or express.
Be the 1!!!

[job]

I'm proud of you! You're doing the hard work and rediscovering yourself along the way. A very thought provoking posting and one that you can go back and read again when you are further down the path just to see how far you've come.

Merry Christmas!

[AndrewP]

When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.

Have a blessed season my friend.

[Surfer]

CT Happy Christmas!

"Do not ever underestimate who you are and all you can be."

Legendary!

Surfer.

[CT1118]

Thanks Altair/Job/AP/Surfer and all who read to keep up. This was what my Christmas looked like:

Christmas came and went and while I knew going into it how good, upbeat, positive, (whatever moniker you choose) I felt, there was certainly still the impending absence of my son for part of it. I agreed to the schedule a month out that she could watch him on Christmas Eve and have him for the first thing in the morning. She is half Cuban and her big celebration for her family was always the Eve. Kinda opposite the rest of the US, but I spent at least two Christmas holidays in Little Havana, Miami with her family - it was almost like Christmas Day didn't matter in that section of the city. Not everything box store-type was open, but for the most part family businesses were running and open. Now on Christmas Eve the whole place was shut down by 4 or 5pm. I don't even recall Christmas stockings, guess even Santa wouldn't need big socks for warmth in Miami and certainly, while I am guessing, there was not a need for a single fire place in the whole city anyway. Oh, I digress, point being, Christmas Eve was her big sht and I knew this; it crossed no boundary for me in the larger picture for care/harm of myself or my son way, so go for it.

I made no gripes or big deal, just a note to myself that I would feel good through it and simply miss my son a tad bit more than I missed him all the other times she would usually have him. Yet, being first gen US on my mother's side, for my German heritage Christmas Eve was a very big deal also, one which brought value to the holiday in its own right. For my family, Eve meant the last door to open on the Advent Calendar, stories were read, and family kept it close to talk about what mattered to us. One gift was given out to each member. Still the mother load of meal, more guests, and the rest of the presents, but the Eve does matter. Christmas really felt like a two day event for me as a kid (and a rare time of happy if you've read me from the start), unlike with her Cuban background.

Then there was the personal traditions that her and I developed for ourselves, and once son was born, for him too. Her and I never bought each other gifts, simply promised to put money into a travel fund as we both loved to travel. Later, after our son, trying to meld two cultural upbringings to give him a taste of the above. The fun of new parents being up late and sneaking around the tree like lawbreakers, except we were planting excitement. And, as an oddity perhaps, we would eat Chinese food. Not sure how that one started, but we had not family anywhere close, there was no need for a big ham for two people and a baby, so its what we did. I thought about that on Christmas Eve "hmmm, no Chinese food this year". I didn't even think to go get it for myself, not because it would have felt like lonely or loss, just more like for what reason would I do that. The fun was sharing it.

So on Christmas Eve's morning, I actually met a woman for early lunch preceded by a brief morning walk. Wouldn't call it a date, more like she asked or perhaps we both arrived at the idea, and neither of us were doing anything else. Nice way to pass the morning. However, we do like each other and we both are aware of it, but we are both well rested in agreement that we are working as individuals. She is S from her deal for a bit longer than me and was in the same boat - kid with her SBXH and she would get him on Christmas Day. Admittedly, we both find some peace in the common struggle and that makes perfect sense, especially around the holidays. And that is about the extent. I came home, wrapped my boy's gifts, wrote some consulting reports I had been putting off, and used son's crayolas to draw a fireplace to tape to the wall for his stocking to hang over. SEVA does get cold enough for big socks, but I live in an apartment.

But, tis' the season of miracles and I should hand some credit to the mother of my son when it is rightfully due. She called me (unexpected) late afternoon on the Eve and said she would like to come over and give me the gift she bought me and bring our son to see his dad [note, if you paid attention above, we never bought gifts for one another, but she told me mid-Dec (least two weeks after the D talk and decisions etc) that she got me something small for less than $25 bucks and said I should not feel compelled to return the gesture; I did, seemed right, as in right for me]. Then she asked if it would be OK if she grabbed some Chinese food to eat. I said yes, guess she had the same thought I had earlier. We traded gifts - strange things happen in strange times, she got me a coffee mug and she had is customized with a favorite quote of mine from an '80s movie with a picture of the dude saying it on the mug (Breakfast Club, quote from Johnny). My gift to her was.....wait for it..... a coffee mug with a picture of Bowie on it and a quote from one of her favorite songs. Guess people get to know each other and the screw can't unturn. We ate and I got to spend time with my boy, finish off the Advent Calendar, and tell him a Christmas story.

They left and my mind had not changed about our sitch, don't believe her's did either (wouldn't read into it anyway), and I felt really good about it. Good like we could approach the future in some peace, like I could forgive, like all the things I had been working towards recognizing, towards really wanting, towards becoming were beginning to solidify. And then I decided to open a bottle of wine for some me time, sat at my lap top, and wrote my first post here in a long time (long in terms of this DB world anyway). H@ll, I am smiling thinking about how good I felt then right now, which just confirms how confident I feel about being CT1118 these days. I meant what I said, I feel reconciled about me.

I'm not really sure how such a story will contribute, but I feel like it might to some, so as things continue with me, I will continue to post. By this I mean what I felt when I came to DB initially, which was to seek whether it would end in divorce or we would get back together, would affairs end, how long would this last, could I wait this long, what did she mean by that, would MLC phase out, what the h@ll am I supposed to do - there is an answer in here somewhere!!!!...I mean those are the stories and answers I was searching for. Truth for me it seems, I got a different story to tell, and it's not what I expected, and I am not sure I have read too much in here where people continue to post on/if they reach whatever it is that I have in my story, seems in the posts like people get better or worse and abandon their own story to move on with helping others or leaving - the gaps filled in by questions from newbies. But this is my story and I feel pretty awesome being it's protagonist. What I found was something so very different, and more of the 'right' answer for me than I could have ever imagined. I won't call it all out by name, but those who saw what they saw in me here and put time towards me, I fking bow with all the respect I have to you, you handed me the key to my own kingdom and I will never forget that no matter how humble you wish to be about it. The whole "your journey/their journey" thing - that is real sht. Now that I get it, I guess a story like the above and my last post are hopefully going to be more of my norm. Sure I will feel emotion, be disappointed, disagree with stuff on my sitch again, but I really just feel so calm about it all these days, I can't imagine it would ever rise to what it was even as little as a month ago. Prost (German for Cheers) to things not necessarily working like you thought they would. I am far from religious, but I like to think I can acknowledge a blessing when I feel one.

And this post was a whole lot longer than I thought it would be, but I'm a story teller, not an accountant. Peace tonight DB people, I wish you all good sleep.

[Altair]

CT,
well, another great read. This might be obvious, but do you know it is a Jewish thing to eat Chinese food on Christmas? Maybe that's where you two picked it up from.

Peace out.

[CT1118]

CT,
well, another great read. This might be obvious, but do you know it is a Jewish thing to eat Chinese food on Christmas? Maybe that's where you two picked it up from.
Peace out.

I actually did not know that, but when I ran it thru Google, the first hit said "Everyone knows Jewish people eat Chinese food at Christmas..."
What you don't know... thanks for the laugh and the education Altair!

[Surfer]

CT

What a warming post. Not the ones about Jewish culinary tradition. The long one about your sitch!

Peace brother.

Surfer.

[CT1118]

"Clean up this mess you have made of yourself boy." - Me to my son, who took his NYE chocolate a bit too recklessly.

I cannot pretend that I am without blood and tears. I am so happy I had my son through this holiday. But Gdmmit if I am not good with me. I am. And I am great with him. I've spent the past 5 nights in a bed at my parents with him beside me. I never felt lonely. I never felt loss. I never felt leave. It was just me being brave in the light of his bravery. A 5 year old took it on the chin and smiled, because he gets moment better than I do. Oh how I wish I had the present as well as him.

My teacher is the future which I created. Fking, thank you boy, sometimes I only feel as strong as if I were two points above what you need me to be. Tomorrow you leave me in the morning, and I miss you all the time.

[CT1118]

Have not been by in a while. Sleepless and was not sure where else to go. This seemed like the right place. I was doing very well for myself - had my son for about 6 days in a row, which was fantastic. Spouse was out of town. Then she took him back for the weekend and I just felt loss. Now that the holidays are over its time to go back to our D discussions. I know its coming, we have not seen much of each other since Christmas. Those of you who got through years of this - I don't know how you did it. I'm sick right now, physically sick, and I feel like it is from some deep realization of this finally approaching some type of end.

I went on a date with a woman a couple of weekends ago. It didn't work because I didn't want it to. I had a feeling I wasn't ready and being on it confirmed this. I told her as much, she said she understood. I have worked so hard to clean myself up, to correct behaviors about me I did not like, to recapture the self and then to set it free again. But now I feel like I know I am more talented, more creative, and will be better off on my own, but my damn heart is still stuck on why it all had to be torn to sht. Affairs...what an impossible sht show they cause to the soul.

I didn't expect to have my son tonight, but I took him to the doctor and just kept him with me since we got out late. He keeps telling me about her AP. Ive asked him to quit, asked him to stop, even yelled one time last week and apologized right away. Tonight I asked his therapist to speak with us about not talking about the guy. She did, but he just keeps dropping the fkers name. My son is 5, he has no idea.I don't ask. I don't want to know, but here I do. My son was telling me that spouse and son get into screaming matches with each other. A 5 year old yelling at his mother, it upsets him. He is also learning how to handle his attention and coming out of a trouble spot at preschool. He talks to me, I want to be his rock, his lighthouse. I don't know how to tell him he can speak to me about anything, except this dude. But I did, I directly said I did not want to hear his name. My son said he didnt understand, and even asked if we could talk about anything...

Day in the life.