Thanks Altair/Job/AP/Surfer and all who read to keep up. This was what my Christmas looked like:

Christmas came and went and while I knew going into it how good, upbeat, positive, (whatever moniker you choose) I felt, there was certainly still the impending absence of my son for part of it. I agreed to the schedule a month out that she could watch him on Christmas Eve and have him for the first thing in the morning. She is half Cuban and her big celebration for her family was always the Eve. Kinda opposite the rest of the US, but I spent at least two Christmas holidays in Little Havana, Miami with her family - it was almost like Christmas Day didn't matter in that section of the city. Not everything box store-type was open, but for the most part family businesses were running and open. Now on Christmas Eve the whole place was shut down by 4 or 5pm. I don't even recall Christmas stockings, guess even Santa wouldn't need big socks for warmth in Miami and certainly, while I am guessing, there was not a need for a single fire place in the whole city anyway. Oh, I digress, point being, Christmas Eve was her big sht and I knew this; it crossed no boundary for me in the larger picture for care/harm of myself or my son way, so go for it.

I made no gripes or big deal, just a note to myself that I would feel good through it and simply miss my son a tad bit more than I missed him all the other times she would usually have him. Yet, being first gen US on my mother's side, for my German heritage Christmas Eve was a very big deal also, one which brought value to the holiday in its own right. For my family, Eve meant the last door to open on the Advent Calendar, stories were read, and family kept it close to talk about what mattered to us. One gift was given out to each member. Still the mother load of meal, more guests, and the rest of the presents, but the Eve does matter. Christmas really felt like a two day event for me as a kid (and a rare time of happy if you've read me from the start), unlike with her Cuban background.

Then there was the personal traditions that her and I developed for ourselves, and once son was born, for him too. Her and I never bought each other gifts, simply promised to put money into a travel fund as we both loved to travel. Later, after our son, trying to meld two cultural upbringings to give him a taste of the above. The fun of new parents being up late and sneaking around the tree like lawbreakers, except we were planting excitement. And, as an oddity perhaps, we would eat Chinese food. Not sure how that one started, but we had not family anywhere close, there was no need for a big ham for two people and a baby, so its what we did. I thought about that on Christmas Eve "hmmm, no Chinese food this year". I didn't even think to go get it for myself, not because it would have felt like lonely or loss, just more like for what reason would I do that. The fun was sharing it.

So on Christmas Eve's morning, I actually met a woman for early lunch preceded by a brief morning walk. Wouldn't call it a date, more like she asked or perhaps we both arrived at the idea, and neither of us were doing anything else. Nice way to pass the morning. However, we do like each other and we both are aware of it, but we are both well rested in agreement that we are working as individuals. She is S from her deal for a bit longer than me and was in the same boat - kid with her SBXH and she would get him on Christmas Day. Admittedly, we both find some peace in the common struggle and that makes perfect sense, especially around the holidays. And that is about the extent. I came home, wrapped my boy's gifts, wrote some consulting reports I had been putting off, and used son's crayolas to draw a fireplace to tape to the wall for his stocking to hang over. SEVA does get cold enough for big socks, but I live in an apartment.

But, tis' the season of miracles and I should hand some credit to the mother of my son when it is rightfully due. She called me (unexpected) late afternoon on the Eve and said she would like to come over and give me the gift she bought me and bring our son to see his dad [note, if you paid attention above, we never bought gifts for one another, but she told me mid-Dec (least two weeks after the D talk and decisions etc) that she got me something small for less than $25 bucks and said I should not feel compelled to return the gesture; I did, seemed right, as in right for me]. Then she asked if it would be OK if she grabbed some Chinese food to eat. I said yes, guess she had the same thought I had earlier. We traded gifts - strange things happen in strange times, she got me a coffee mug and she had is customized with a favorite quote of mine from an '80s movie with a picture of the dude saying it on the mug (Breakfast Club, quote from Johnny). My gift to her was.....wait for it..... a coffee mug with a picture of Bowie on it and a quote from one of her favorite songs. Guess people get to know each other and the screw can't unturn. We ate and I got to spend time with my boy, finish off the Advent Calendar, and tell him a Christmas story.

They left and my mind had not changed about our sitch, don't believe her's did either (wouldn't read into it anyway), and I felt really good about it. Good like we could approach the future in some peace, like I could forgive, like all the things I had been working towards recognizing, towards really wanting, towards becoming were beginning to solidify. And then I decided to open a bottle of wine for some me time, sat at my lap top, and wrote my first post here in a long time (long in terms of this DB world anyway). H@ll, I am smiling thinking about how good I felt then right now, which just confirms how confident I feel about being CT1118 these days. I meant what I said, I feel reconciled about me.

I'm not really sure how such a story will contribute, but I feel like it might to some, so as things continue with me, I will continue to post. By this I mean what I felt when I came to DB initially, which was to seek whether it would end in divorce or we would get back together, would affairs end, how long would this last, could I wait this long, what did she mean by that, would MLC phase out, what the h@ll am I supposed to do - there is an answer in here somewhere!!!!...I mean those are the stories and answers I was searching for. Truth for me it seems, I got a different story to tell, and it's not what I expected, and I am not sure I have read too much in here where people continue to post on/if they reach whatever it is that I have in my story, seems in the posts like people get better or worse and abandon their own story to move on with helping others or leaving - the gaps filled in by questions from newbies. But this is my story and I feel pretty awesome being it's protagonist. What I found was something so very different, and more of the 'right' answer for me than I could have ever imagined. I won't call it all out by name, but those who saw what they saw in me here and put time towards me, I fking bow with all the respect I have to you, you handed me the key to my own kingdom and I will never forget that no matter how humble you wish to be about it. The whole "your journey/their journey" thing - that is real sht. Now that I get it, I guess a story like the above and my last post are hopefully going to be more of my norm. Sure I will feel emotion, be disappointed, disagree with stuff on my sitch again, but I really just feel so calm about it all these days, I can't imagine it would ever rise to what it was even as little as a month ago. Prost (German for Cheers) to things not necessarily working like you thought they would. I am far from religious, but I like to think I can acknowledge a blessing when I feel one.

And this post was a whole lot longer than I thought it would be, but I'm a story teller, not an accountant. Peace tonight DB people, I wish you all good sleep.